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PostPosted: Mon Nov 12, 2007 2:13 pm 
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FeralCats wrote:
Cal, How do you read? As in, what are the neccessary skills involved in truly reading?


1/2 cup sage
1/2 cup salt
1/2 cup pepper
1/2 cup lentils
1/2 cup kiwi
40 large chickens
A *SPAM* prescription of any kind

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PostPosted: Mon Nov 12, 2007 2:44 pm 
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Kayak wrote:
Dear Calvin,

I would like to increase the energy efficiency of my home, but don't have the money to insulate. A friend told me that furry roadkill works really well, but I don't like the smell of dead skunk.

What would you suggest?

Drafty in Des Moines


Didn't you live in Puxatawny just last week? What was wrong with that house? But, oh well. My advice is buy lots of furs that had paint thrown on them from the PETA people. They're really cheap and will make your home hotter than Heather Graham. If that's possible.

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PostPosted: Mon Nov 12, 2007 4:50 pm 
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Location: Sweden
Hi Calvin

im buying the Zappa catalogue chronologically..and my question is my next buy will be Chungas Revenge (Wich my grandmother is gonna give me as a christmas present) but last week i bought 200 motels on a cd/vinyl sale.. because i heard that its really hard to find that album in stores

and since im buying and listening to the albums chronollogically i cant really listen to 200 motels yet (but i REALLY want to!!!) what should i do?

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PostPosted: Mon Nov 12, 2007 7:50 pm 
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sleeping in a jar wrote:
calvin2hikers wrote:

How do you solve a problem like Noomies? How do you hold the sun and pin it down? A flibbertygibbet, a will-o-the-wisp, a clown? Many a thing you know you'd like to tell him.

So yeah, that's a fucking hard question.



:cry: >sniff< Thanks man, I knew you'd understand...it's just that...he's so damn difficult sometimes...:cry:

And it's so totally awesome that you can come up with spontaneous poetry like that...you are truly blessed.


Yes, rather like trying to screw fog, isn't it?

And don't you go undermeasuring my tape worm Sleepy. I know it's bigger than yours for a fact!

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Everytime we picked a booger we'd flip it on this one winduh. Every night we'd contribute, 2, 3, 4 boogers. We had to use a putty knife, man, to get them damn things off the winduh. There was some goober ones that weren't even hard...


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 13, 2007 2:30 pm 
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jimmy "the hindu&q wrote:
Hi Calvin

im buying the Zappa catalogue chronologically..and my question is my next buy will be Chungas Revenge (Wich my grandmother is gonna give me as a christmas present) but last week i bought 200 motels on a cd/vinyl sale.. because i heard that its really hard to find that album in stores

and since im buying and listening to the albums chronollogically i cant really listen to 200 motels yet (but i REALLY want to!!!) what should i do?


Well Mr. jimmy "the hindu&quasimodolovetraipsingthroughthebogatmidnight", here's a link so you can download every single Zappa recording and forget about that buying stuff.....

Haha, just kidding Gail! I think this is just a case of waiting, having patience to see it through. You wouldn't want to lie to your grandmother would you?!?

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PostPosted: Fri Nov 30, 2007 9:59 pm 
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This fell to page 2. A pity. Do you know how many hundreds of people have been helped?

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PostPosted: Sat Dec 01, 2007 8:13 am 
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Dear Calvin,

Should I order a pizza with mushrooms, ham and pineapple or with pepperoni, black olives, green peppers and bacon?


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 01, 2007 9:19 am 
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SPACEBROTHER wrote:
Dear Calvin,

Should I order a pizza with mushrooms, ham and pineapple or with pepperoni, black olives, green peppers and bacon?


For my vegeterian friends, I would say a veggie pizza would be much better for you.


For myself, get that damn fruit and vegetable crap off of there.

I guess the one with bacon.

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PostPosted: Sat Dec 01, 2007 11:54 am 
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Location: The Frozen White Wasteland
Dear Calvin,

Is The Flying Spaghetti Monster real? Is he just a figment of some guy's warped imagination? Should I go to church, just in case there is one and I get sent to Hell when I die?

Confused in Covington

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PostPosted: Wed Jan 16, 2008 6:24 pm 
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FeralCats wrote:
Cal, How do you read? As in, what are the neccessary skills involved in truly reading?


To truly read is to truly know knowingness. I could spew forth an 80 page diatribe on why this is so, but there exists not a computer that would handle the technical aspects of what there is to say. (i.e., I'm lazy and don't know nothin', really).

(Sorry, I already answered this. I didn't truly read. I am ashamed.)

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PostPosted: Wed Jan 16, 2008 6:27 pm 
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Kayak wrote:
Dear Calvin,

Is The Flying Spaghetti Monster real? Is he just a figment of some guy's warped imagination? Should I go to church, just in case there is one and I get sent to Hell when I die?

Confused in Covington


Flying Spaghetti monster? It's mythical.

The Crawling Lasagna with Marinara Sauce Monster is all too real though.

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PostPosted: Thu Jan 17, 2008 6:29 pm 
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Location: Portugal
Dear Calvin

I need money fast, what organs do you think I can sell without harmful consequences? And Where Can I Go??


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 17, 2008 7:32 pm 
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RUI wrote:
Dear Calvin

I need money fast, what organs do you think I can sell without harmful consequences? And Where Can I Go??


Hammonds usually sell pretty well. Moogs.

Hohoho, I knew what you meant.

Isn't the skin considered an organ? I suppose you can scrape off that first layer and have the second grow in eventually. (Not medical advice).

As for where you can go, I'm not sure. I've heard of skin dealers in Lesotho and Uzbekpakischeckistan.

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PostPosted: Thu Jan 17, 2008 10:00 pm 
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Dear Calvin,
I am going on hiatus for two weeks in February and I plan to do some Ice Fishing but the Central Park lake is not frozen yet. Any suggestions?

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 18, 2008 9:52 am 
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Dear Calvin - -The devil made me do it, what can I say?

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Everytime we picked a booger we'd flip it on this one winduh. Every night we'd contribute, 2, 3, 4 boogers. We had to use a putty knife, man, to get them damn things off the winduh. There was some goober ones that weren't even hard...


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 23, 2008 12:28 am 
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Location: UK
Dear Calvin

In social situations when asked the inevitable question “What do you prefer, gumption or horseplay”? I involuntarily shit myself. This has become so alarmingly frequent that I am now afraid to leave the ward. The last time I ventured out, to buy some paperclips, the stationer asked for my preference (gumption/horseplay). It took all my reserve to fight this overwhelming urge but I managed to constrict my anus muscles enough to deny the ensuing turds freedom. At this exact point the stationer suffered a massive coronary and died. I then shit myself.

Please Calvin, I’ve tried synchronised swimming and the A Team but without success, you’re my last hope.


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 23, 2008 12:52 am 
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Location: Texas Motel
Cal, I think we've found our man for the Mid-Shit Pants Changer tribute...let's get 'im authorized, okay?


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 23, 2008 6:18 pm 
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Galoot Co-Log-Nuh wrote:
Dear Calvin,
I am going on hiatus for two weeks in February and I plan to do some Ice Fishing but the Central Park lake is not frozen yet. Any suggestions?


(I'm waiting to answer until it's finally frozen)

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PostPosted: Wed Jan 23, 2008 6:21 pm 
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Ronny's Noomies wrote:
Dear Calvin - -The devil made me do it, what can I say?


Do what? All of it? The creeping, the spelunking, the cavernous drapes in the pantry?

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PostPosted: Wed Jan 23, 2008 6:27 pm 
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Dr Poobah wrote:
Dear Calvin

In social situations when asked the inevitable question “What do you prefer, gumption or horseplay”? I involuntarily shit myself. This has become so alarmingly frequent that I am now afraid to leave the ward. The last time I ventured out, to buy some paperclips, the stationer asked for my preference (gumption/horseplay). It took all my reserve to fight this overwhelming urge but I managed to constrict my anus muscles enough to deny the ensuing turds freedom. At this exact point the stationer suffered a massive coronary and died. I then shit myself.

Please Calvin, I’ve tried synchronised swimming and the A Team but without success, you’re my last hope.


Use noise cancelling headphones, sign language, and point to things you want. You can't possibly cure the psychological aspects of this.

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PostPosted: Wed Jan 23, 2008 7:00 pm 
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Dear Calvin,
Eureka!! It's Frozen!!

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 05, 2008 6:33 pm 
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Galoot Co-Log-Nuh wrote:
Dear Calvin,
Eureka!! It's Frozen!!


Good. Now what you....shit, it's melted.


I'm feeling a lot of anxiety and hate lately on this forum. Maybe people need advice. I'm here.

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PostPosted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 11:19 am 
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Dear Calvin,

My toilet is trying to tell me something. Should I call a plumber, or should I hire a translator?

Torn asunder,

Feet

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PostPosted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 12:04 pm 
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Dear Calvin,

It's not the heat, it's the humidity. When/how can this be solved?

Sticky and stinky,
Swifty

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PostPosted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 2:07 pm 
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feetlightup wrote:
Dear Calvin,

My toilet is trying to tell me something. Should I call a plumber, or should I hire a translator?

Torn asunder,

Feet


There's only one person you need. I believe you can find him/her through channels. Some plumbers know at least one who practices the art.

Toilet Whisperer.

They understand. They know the rhythms. The waves. The feelings. They don't charge a fee - Sees everything. When normal explanations don't wash, it can be comforting to know that not a scrap of information will be forgotten. And when the whisperer has diagnosed and taken care of the problem - they will not take a bow, else they think themselves egoistic.

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