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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Aug 31, 2012 8:38 pm 
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Location: Providence, Rhode Island
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope..."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Sep 14, 2012 4:14 am 
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Location: EINDHOVEN
Three kingdoms surrounding a lake had fought for centuries over theisland in its center. They finally decided to settle the dispute once and forall with a battle. The first kingdom sent fifty knights, each with threesquires. The second kingdom sent only twenty knights, each with only twosquires. The poor third kingdom sent only one old knight, plus one lone squire.The night before the big battle, the first kingdom's knights cavorted and drankheavily as their squires sharpened weapons and polished armor. The secondkingdom's knights also cavorted and drank heavily as theirsquires sharpened weapons and polished armor. Even the third kingdom's loneknight cavorted and drank too much, while his lone squire prepared dinner by slinginga long rope over a high branch to hang his cook pot over his campfire. The nextmorning, when the battle began, all the knights were too hung over to fight, sothe squires fought instead. They battled for hours but when the dust finallysettled, one solitary figure limped away from the carnage: the third kingdom's lonesquire was victorious! Which just goes to prove: the squire of the high pot andnoose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides!

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Sep 17, 2012 10:13 pm 
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Location: Australia
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed
a young girl nearby with a little red wagon with little ladders hung
off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied.The firefighter looked a little closer.
The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your
rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'

The little girl looked thoughtfull for a minute, and then replied 'You're probably right mister, but
then I wouldn't have a siren.'



Best German joke of the Week:

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days."


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Sep 18, 2012 12:11 am 
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A nun was having a bath when there was a knock on the bathroom door, "whos there" asked the nun, "the blind man" was the reply, the nun climbed out of the bath and opened the door, the man came in and said "nice tits, where do you want the blinds"?


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Sep 18, 2012 12:22 am 
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phydeaux3 wrote:

Best German joke of the Week:

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days."


My favourite German joke is the true story of the German demonstrators who greeted George W. Bush on a state visit with a sign displaying the legend, "If you can read this, you're not the president".

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Sep 25, 2012 2:44 pm 
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After a relaxing bath...Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself, nude in a mirror...
Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight, was depressing her....
In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help...
“God....If you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you,'”
She prayed...
And just like that... her ears fell off!

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Sep 26, 2012 6:19 am 
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Location: Kitchener, Ontario, CANADA
An elderly well off Scottish Jew decided to retire and take up golf. So he applied for membership at a local golf club.

About a week later he received a letter that his application has been rejected.
So he went to the club to inquire as to why:-

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?

Scot: Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are, ma'am, my name is MacTavish.

Secretary: Do you know that on formal occasions we wear a kilt?

Scot: Aye, I do know, and I wear a kilt too.

Secretary: You are also aware, that we wear nothing under the kilt?

Scot: Aye, and neither do I.

Secretary: Are you also aware, that the members sit naked in the steam room?

Scot: Aye, I also do the same.

Secretary: But you are a Jew?

Scot: Aye, I be that.

Secretary: So, being Jewish, you are circumcised, is that correct?

Scot: Aye, I be that, too.

Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the existing club members just would not feel comfortable sitting in the steam room with you, since your privates are different from theirs.

Scot: Ach, away we ya, ma'am. I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen and I know that you have to be a Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus. But this is the first time I've heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Sep 26, 2012 10:35 am 
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:mrgreen: Good one!
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Sep 28, 2012 4:49 pm 
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Location: Kitchener, Ontario, CANADA
Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
'For Fuck's sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Sep 29, 2012 7:38 am 
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Went to a charity disco for Bulimics last night ....the place was absolutely heaving.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Oct 03, 2012 3:52 am 
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There is a scam e-mail going around that is supposedly from Barack Obama, accusing the recipient of terrorism. Eventually, they are asked to pay a fee, to prove they are not terrorists.
As you can read, the scammers really have Obama's speech patterns nailed!



"Attention:!!!,

Behold, you are reading a letter from your President Barack Obama. Finally, I have received lists of the names of people that are involved in money laundry and terrorism which your name is among the names that was submitted to me and I have ordered to release arrest warrant to the IPA to quickly carry out their duty and make sure that they get you arrested and summon you to the court immediately which they will be on their duty on Thursday morning as assigned since you are trying to play ball with me.

You have failed to comply with them after all the warning and instructions given to you, but since you are also among the terrorist we are facing in the country, I will personal make sure that I wipe away the crime in the state and I promise you that you will definitely pay with your life because I am here to protect the interest of my people and not to put them in shame, you suppose to support this government and not to spoil it.

Since it has been confirmed by Nigerian government that this fund actually belongs to you and here the law demands that it cannot be release to you unless you provide the certificate which is OWNERSHIP CERTIFICATE that is what the IPA has been demanding for a very long time now. For your own good, I am giving you last chance today to tell me as the President why you have failed to provide the certificate and why do you fail the IPA that is working under my instruction which you know that once you disobey them you have disobeyed me as well.

Do note that if you failed to get back to this office within 24hours, you will be apprehended and charge to court immediately for involving in money laundry and terrorism and there you will see my face. You will only be free if you get back to my office by promising that you will provide the certificate within 48hours otherwise you will be in soup, BE WARNED!. I will advise you further on what to do once they hear from you in other to resolve this matter amicably. Contact unitedbnkafrica.plc@msn.com

Kindly respond to this message.

From the desk of the President.

Barack Obama."

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Oct 04, 2012 2:56 am 
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www.youtube.com/watch?v=5FFRoYhTJQQ


Eleven!


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Oct 12, 2012 4:39 pm 
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If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. ~Jay Leno

The problem with political jokes is they get elected. ~Henry Cate, VII

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. ~Aesop

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven. ~Will Rogers

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber. ~Plato

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. ~Nikita Khrushchev

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. ~Clarence Darrow

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. ~Author Unknown

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. ~John Quinton

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. ~Oscar Ameringer

The Democrats are the party that try to make you believe more government involvement will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that say government doesn't work and then, they get elected and prove it. ~P.J. O'Rourke

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. ~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. ~Tex Guinan

Any American who is prepared to run for president should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from ever doing so. ~Gore Vidal

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. ~Charles de Gaulle

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. ~Doug Larson

Don't vote; it only encourages them. ~Author Unknown

There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on senators. ~Will Rogers

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Oct 22, 2012 4:31 pm 
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just plain doug wrote:
There is a scam e-mail going around that is supposedly from Barack Obama, accusing the recipient of terrorism. Eventually, they are asked to pay a fee, to prove they are not terrorists.
As you can read, the scammers really have Obama's speech patterns nailed!



"Attention:!!!,

Behold, you are reading a letter from your President Barack Obama. Finally, I have received lists of the names of people that are involved in money laundry and terrorism which your name is among the names that was submitted to me and I have ordered to release arrest warrant to the IPA to quickly carry out their duty and make sure that they get you arrested and summon you to the court immediately which they will be on their duty on Thursday morning as assigned since you are trying to play ball with me.

You have failed to comply with them after all the warning and instructions given to you, but since you are also among the terrorist we are facing in the country, I will personal make sure that I wipe away the crime in the state and I promise you that you will definitely pay with your life because I am here to protect the interest of my people and not to put them in shame, you suppose to support this government and not to spoil it.

Since it has been confirmed by Nigerian government that this fund actually belongs to you and here the law demands that it cannot be release to you unless you provide the certificate which is OWNERSHIP CERTIFICATE that is what the IPA has been demanding for a very long time now. For your own good, I am giving you last chance today to tell me as the President why you have failed to provide the certificate and why do you fail the IPA that is working under my instruction which you know that once you disobey them you have disobeyed me as well.

Do note that if you failed to get back to this office within 24hours, you will be apprehended and charge to court immediately for involving in money laundry and terrorism and there you will see my face. You will only be free if you get back to my office by promising that you will provide the certificate within 48hours otherwise you will be in soup, BE WARNED!. I will advise you further on what to do once they hear from you in other to resolve this matter amicably. Contact unitedbnkafrica.plc@msn.com

Kindly respond to this message.

From the desk of the President.

Barack Obama."


I started a thread on another forum about someone like this who was trying to buy a lift chair we had for sale. I kept them going for a couple of weeks. Ah, good times.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Oct 24, 2012 12:40 pm 
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We all have heard the childhood tale that storks bring babies.

So, what kinds of birds bring no babies at all.

|
V




|
V


Woodpeckers, swallows, cardinals.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Oct 27, 2012 10:57 am 
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Location: Kitchener, Ontario, CANADA
A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy
International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler,
a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press
conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a
member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who
has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search
of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer
to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a
common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every
country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3
sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had
wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us
more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not
recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is
believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Oct 30, 2012 3:28 am 
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A woman texted, "My love, if you're sleeping, send me your dreams. If you're smiling, send me your smile. If you're crying, send me your tears. I love you!" He texted back, "I'm on the toilet. What should I send?"

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Oct 30, 2012 4:30 am 
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The mother superiour and a nun died in a biblical accident at Pope Jims convent for wayward women.

They were met by St Peter at the pearly gates. "to gain entry to heaven you must each answer a question" he said. Of the nun he asked "sister where did Adam and Eve live", "the garden of Eden" replied the nun, "correct you may enter" said St Peter. "Mother superiour due to your rank your question is more difficult, what did Eve say to Adam when they first met". "Mmmmm that's a hard one" mused the mother, "correct you may enter" said St Peter.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Nov 02, 2012 5:21 am 
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He was in ecstasy, a huge smile on his face.



His wife moved forward, then backward. then forward, then backward.

Again and again, back and forth.... back and forth.... in, out, in, out......



Her heart was pounding.

Her face was flushed.



She groaned, softly at first, then louder and louder until, finally, totally exhausted,

she let out a deep, shuddering moan and shouted,

"OK, OK, I give up! I can't park the car! You do it, you smug bugger!"

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Nov 04, 2012 7:30 am 
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A vampire bat came flapping in from the night’s hunt, covered in fresh blood and hung the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Soon, all the other bats smelled the fresh blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He asked them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until he finally gave in.

“OK, follow me,” he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees until he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

“Do you see that tree over there?” he asked.

“Yes, yes, yes!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

“Good,” said the first bat. “Because I didn’t!”

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Nov 05, 2012 3:07 pm 
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Two chinese labourers applied for jobs at a local coal mine, the foreman assigned Zhou to the coal face and chow to supplies. After a week the foreman checked on his new employees, Zhou was working well, but dispite extensive enquiries, nobody had seen Chow. The foreman entered the mine checking every level calling out chows name, deeper and deeper into the mine he went "Chow Chow" he called out but was met with silence. The foreman decended to the lowest, darkest reaches of the mine "Chow Chow" no reply. The foreman gave up Chow was no where to be found, as the foreman was returning to the surface Chow leapt out from behind a bamboo ladder and screamed "SUPPLIES"


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Nov 06, 2012 2:45 pm 
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Four men in a boat had cigarettes, but no matches. Finally, one man had an idea: he tossed one cigarette into the ocean. Then they could all smoke -- because the boat had become a cigarette lighter.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Nov 28, 2012 4:51 am 
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My sex life is like a Ferrari; I don't have a Ferrari.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Nov 28, 2012 5:39 pm 
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Location: Home of The Mondavi Center.
I've got an old clunker that constantly needs service,that's it,a little to the right,service right there! Now faster,faster,faster! Ahhh! Serviced.
Now get out and push,we need servicing again. :mrgreen:

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Dec 05, 2012 6:26 am 
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An Aussie was seeking to join the Australian Police Force.

The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an Attitude Suitability Test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Sliding a pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six religious extremists, and a rabbit."

"Why shoot a rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

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