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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Feb 10, 2014 1:03 pm 
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If Scotland gains its independence after the forthcoming referendum, the remainder of the United Kingdom will be known as the "Former United Kingdom" (F.U.K.)

In a bid to discourage Scots from voting yes in the referendum, Lib.Dems have now begun a campaign with the slogan: "Please Vote No For FUK's sake!"

They feel that the voters will be able to relate to this, particularly those in Glasgow.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Feb 10, 2014 1:40 pm 
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just plain doug wrote:
If Scotland gains its independence after the forthcoming referendum, the remainder of the United Kingdom will be known as the "Former United Kingdom" (F.U.K.)

In a bid to discourage Scots from voting yes in the referendum, Lib.Dems have now begun a campaign with the slogan: "Please Vote No For FUK's sake!"

They feel that the voters will be able to relate to this, particularly those in Glasgow.


Of course, those for it say, F.U.K. Yeah!

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Feb 11, 2014 6:18 pm 
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Dickens Cider

http://www.youtube.com/embed/Xfzxesxk_Yo

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Feb 11, 2014 6:46 pm 
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just plain doug wrote:

I'd love to wake up with a Dickens Cider! LMAO,watching the bloopers I couldn't help but laugh!!! :D

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Feb 11, 2014 9:34 pm 
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When is a door not a door?

When its ajar.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Feb 12, 2014 4:52 am 
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I remember hearing that in an Are You Being Served episode. Just like "what goes up a chimney down, but not down a chimney up?
Still don't get that one.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Feb 12, 2014 6:45 pm 
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BBP wrote:
I remember hearing that in an Are You Being Served episode. Just like "what goes up a chimney down, but not down a chimney up?
Still don't get that one.

An umbrella.
When closed (down), it is thin enough to pass up the chimney. When open (up) it is too big, and gets stuck in a chimney.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Feb 12, 2014 6:46 pm 
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Gray_Ghost wrote:
When is a door not a door?

When its ajar.

Oh!
Oh, pun!
Oh pun, the door!

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Feb 13, 2014 12:05 am 
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just plain doug wrote:
Gray_Ghost wrote:
When is a door not a door?

When its ajar.

Oh!
Oh, pun!
Oh pun, the door!


:mrgreen:


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Feb 13, 2014 1:25 am 
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just plain doug wrote:
BBP wrote:
I remember hearing that in an Are You Being Served episode. Just like "what goes up a chimney down, but not down a chimney up?
Still don't get that one.

An umbrella.
When closed (down), it is thin enough to pass up the chimney. When open (up) it is too big, and gets stuck in a chimney.


It IS a boring joke. Goodness!

Knock knock!

Who's there?

To!

To who?

To whom, surely!

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Feb 13, 2014 12:59 pm 
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Q: What gets wetter the more it dry's?

A: A towel

Reaction: D'oh!

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Feb 13, 2014 4:23 pm 
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Q: What gets bigger the more you take away from it?

A: A hole

Reaction: Double D'oh!

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Feb 17, 2014 9:43 am 
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The Nicoderm Patch

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

One of them glances at the other’s penis and notices that there's a Nicoderm patch on it.


He says to the other priest, 'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or

shoulder, not your penis.'


The other one replies, 'It's working just fine.

I'm down to two butts a day.'

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 Post subject: Joking Bad
PostPosted: Mon Feb 17, 2014 10:09 am 
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I posted this in the Breaking Bad thread, and it seems appropriate here, too.

JOKING BAD

So - are ya jonesin' for some Breaking Bad? Of course, you are. Here's a link to hilarity with Jimmy Fallon and a cast of tens in "Joking Bad". It's got a great finish, too. And at 12 minutes and 52 seconds, the only thing that could make it better would be if it was longer.

Video can be adjusted up to 1080p HD.
It defaults to 480p at the start, so you need to click on the little * thingy, if you want to change the quality.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?annotation_id=annotation_1209691371&feature=iv&index=1&src_vid=lEsPhTbJhuo&v=duKL2dAJN6I

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Feb 22, 2014 8:05 am 
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Those who forget the pasta are condemned to reheat it.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Feb 27, 2014 4:23 am 
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A man got a text from his next-door neighbor: "Must confess. Been tapping your wife when you're not around. Probably more than you. No excuse. Can't live with the guilt. Please accept apology. It won't happen again." The distraught, betrayed husband found his gun and, without a word, aimed it at his wife. As he prepared to pull the trigger, he got another text: "Damned auto-correct. I meant wifi, not wife!"

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Feb 27, 2014 6:12 am 
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A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests, spotted an attractive man standing alone.

She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello, my name is Carmen."

"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied, "As a matter of fact, I gave it to myself. It represents the things I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore, I chose Carmen. What's your name?"

He answered, "BJ Titsengolf."

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Feb 28, 2014 3:50 pm 
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I got a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely!

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Mar 03, 2014 2:02 pm 
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ObamaGolf

(Receptionist) Hello, welcome to ObamaGolf. My name is Trina. How can I help you?

(Customer) Hello, I received an email from Golfsmith stating that my Pro V1 order has been canceled and I should go to your exchange to reorder it. I tried your web site, but it seems like it is not working. So I am calling the 800 number.


(Receptionist) Yes, I am sorry about the web site. It should be fixed by the end of 2014. But I can help you.


(Customer) Thanks, I ordered some Pro V1 balls.


(Receptionist) Sir, Pro V1's do not meet our minimum standards, I will be happy to provide you with a choice of Pinnacle, TopFlite, or Callaway Blue.


(Customer) But I have played Pro V1 for years.


(Receptionist) The government has determined that Pro V1s are no longer acceptable, so we have instructed Titleist to stop making them. TopFlites are better, sir, I am sure you will love them.


(Customer) But I like the Pro V1. Why are TopFlites better?


(Receptionist) That is all spelled out in the 2700 page "Affordable Golf Ball Act" passed by Congress.


(Customer) Well, how much are these TopFlites?


(Receptionist) It depends sir, do you want our Bronze, Silver, Gold or Platinum package?


(Customer) What's the difference?


(Receptionist) 12, 24, 36 or 48 balls.


(Customer) The Silver package may be okay; how much is it?


(Receptionist) It depends, sir; what is your monthly income?


(Customer) What does that have to do with anything?


(Receptionist) I need that to determine your government Golf Ball subsidy; then I can determine how much your out-of-pocket cost will be. But if your income is below the poverty level, you might qualify for a subsidy. In that case, I can refer you to our BallAid department.


(Customer) BallAid?


(Receptionist) Yes, golf balls are a right, everyone has a right to golf balls. So, if you can't afford them, then the government will supply them free of charge.


(Customer) Who said they were a right?


(Receptionist) Congress passed it, the President signed it and the Supreme Court found it Constitutional.


(Customer) Whoa.....I don't remember seeing anything in the Constitution regarding golf balls as a right.


(Receptionist) There's no explicit mention of golf balls in the Constitution, but President Obama is a former constitutional scholar and he believes it would have been included if the Constitution had not been drafted by a bunch of slave-owning white men. The Democrats in the Congress and the Supreme Court agree with the President that golf balls are now a right guaranteed by the Constitution.


(Customer) I don't believe this.


(Receptionist) It's the law of the land, sir. Now, we anticipated most people would go for the Silver Package, so what is your monthly income sir?


(Customer) Forget it, I think I will forgo the balls this year.


(Receptionist) In that case, sir, I will still need your monthly income.


(Customer) Why?


(Receptionist) To determine what your 'non-participation' cost would be.


(Customer) WHAT? You can't charge me for NOT buying golf balls.


(Receptionist) It's the law of the land, sir, approved by the Supreme Court. It's $49.50 or 1% of your monthly income.


(Customer)(interrupting) This is ridiculous, I'll pay the $49.50.


(Receptionist) Sir, it is the $49.50 or 1% of your monthly income, whichever is greater.


(Customer) ARE YOU KIDDING ME? What a rip-off!


(Receptionist) Actually, sir, it is a good deal. Next year it will be 2%.


(Customer) Look, I'm going to call my Congressman to find out what's going on here. This is ridiculous. I'm not going to pay it.


(Receptionist) Sorry to hear that, sir, that's why I had the NSA track this call and obtain the make and model of the cell phone you are using.


(Customer) Why does the NSA need to know what kind of CELL PHONE I AM USING?


(Receptionist) So they get your GPS coordinates, sir.


(Door Bell rings followed immediately by a loud knock on the door)


(Receptionist) That would be the IRS, sir. Thanks for calling ObamaGolf, have a nice day...and God Bless the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Mar 04, 2014 10:09 am 
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KAPT.KIIRK wrote:
I got a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely!

Well, I went to get some deodorant today too. I asked the lady on the counter what she had.
She asked 'ball or aerosol'.
I said 'neither, its for my armpits'.
TT

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Mar 04, 2014 4:20 pm 
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Location: Pouting for you? Punky Meadows, pouting for you?!!
What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

With the BMW, the pricks are on the inside.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Mar 04, 2014 8:02 pm 
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polydigm wrote:
What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

With the BMW, the pricks are on the inside.

That riddle is in one of my favorite movies.

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.....and here's Clive Owen smashing one of the BMW's windows.....

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Mar 05, 2014 6:13 am 
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Location: Pouting for you? Punky Meadows, pouting for you?!!
@Mr Nice Guy Never heard of it. When did that come out? I am quite familiar with Clive Owen - not too bad an actor.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Mar 05, 2014 6:25 am 
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polydigm wrote:
@Mr Nice Guy Never heard of it. When did that come out? I am quite familiar with Clive Owen - not too bad an actor.

Release Date: 7 September 2007 (USA)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0465602/combined

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Mar 06, 2014 10:28 am 
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During the 1930s, a genre of cruel jokes became popular known as "Little Audrey" jokes. The short jokes were usually pretty macabre, involving various fatal events happening to people. They also featured the catch phrase that Little Audrey "just laughed and laughed".

In rare cases the bad stuff happened to Little Audrey and then people laughed and laughed at her.

You can find some more info about Little Audrey (and more jokes) in B.A. Botkin's book The American People: Stories, Legends, Tales, Traditions, and Songs.

A few of the jokes:
One day Little Audrey and her mother were driving along when all of a sudden the car door flew open and Little Audrey's mother fell out. Little Audrey just laughed and laughed, 'cause she knew all the time that her mother had on her light fall suit.

Little Audrey and her grandma were standing on their front porch watching the men pave their street. There was a cement mixer, a steam roller, and all kinds of things to watch. All of a sudden grandma saw a quarter out there right in the middle of the street. She dashed right out to get it, but just as she picked it up along came that old steam roller and rolled her out flatter than a sheet of theme paper. Little Audrey just laughed and laughed, 'cause she knew all the time it was only a dime.

Little Audrey was playing with matches. Mama said, "Ummm, you better not do that." But Little Audrey was awful hard-headed; she kept right on playing with matches, and after a while she set the house on fire, and it burned right down to the ground. Mama and Little Audrey were looking at the ashes, and mama said, "Uh huh, I told you so! Now, young lady, just wait until your papa comes home. You certainly will catch it!" Little Audrey just laughed and laughed. She knew all the time that papa had come home an hour early and had gone to bed to take a nap.

Little Audrey was standing on the corner just a-crying and a-crying, when along comes a cop, who said, "Little Audrey, why are you crying?" And Little Audrey said, "Oh, I've lost my papa!" The cop said, "Why Little Audrey, I wouldn't cry about that. There's your papa right across the street leaning against that bank building." Little Audrey was overjoyed; without even looking at the traffic she started across the street. Along came a big two-ton truck that ran over Little Audrey and killed her dead. The cop just laughed and laughed. He knew all the time that that was not Little Audrey's papa leaning against the bank building.

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