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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon May 05, 2014 4:00 pm 
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A moth goes to a podiatrist and says, "Doc, my life is really messed up. I get into bed every night and realize I don't even know the person sleeping next to me. My daughter hates me and ran away from home two years ago. My son won't talk to me. I look into the mirror every morning and see nothing but a coward, afraid to face his life anymore. I hate everything and everybody. I want to kill myself."
The podiatrist says, "Hey, buddy, I can see that you really have problems. I'd really like to help you, but you need to see a psychiatrist. I'm a podiatrist. Why did you come to see me?"
The moth says, "Well, the light was on."

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu May 22, 2014 11:00 am 
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What's the difference between a clever spoonerism and a fart? One's a shaft of wit...

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu May 22, 2014 11:25 am 
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A skeleton walks into a bar and says to the tender: Get me a draft beer and a mop.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu May 29, 2014 12:51 pm 
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Looking Ahead: News headlines in 2059


Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!

Last Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2060.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States.

Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesday and Friday.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules any punishment of criminals violates their civil rights..

A Couple Finally Had Sexual Harmony, They had simultaneous Headaches.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet seven inches

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2060.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat May 31, 2014 5:05 pm 
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Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.\

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Fred's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Jun 02, 2014 11:46 am 
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As a professor lectured on philosophy, his class was enthralled. He was brilliant. Suddenly, a bright light flashed over his head and an angel appeared. She said to him, "You are such a good teacher, I have decided to reward you with one wish. You may have either infinite money, infinite wisdom, or infinite knowledge. Make your decision." Immediately, he humbly asked for infinite wisdom. Another brilliant flash and the angel disappeared. His class leaned forward, eager to hear the first words from a man with infinite wisdom. The professor said, "I should have taken the money!"

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Jun 06, 2014 9:22 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Jun 06, 2014 7:24 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Jun 09, 2014 1:09 pm 
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NicHoLai wrote:
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The original version of this joke went something like this:
Jeffrey Dahmer's mother was late for dinner, so he gave her the cold shoulder.

*****************************************************************************************

I have no idea what this editorial cartoon means, but I find it funny as Hell. (published: 9 June 2014)

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The cartoonist:
Marian Kamensky
is the editorial cartoonist for the Switzerland satirical montly magazine Nebelspalter and Germany's satirical magazine Eulenspiegel and the US-Playboy. He is currently living in Vienna.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Jun 16, 2014 7:47 pm 
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A Pastor went to the dentist for a new set of false teeth.

The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talked for only eight minutes.

The second Sunday, he talked for only ten minutes.

The following Sunday, he talked for 2 hours and 48 minutes. Finally, the congregation had to mob him to

get him down from the pulpit and then they asked him what had happened.

The Pastor explained that on the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes.

The second Sunday his gums still hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.

But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Jun 20, 2014 1:33 am 
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To be fair, some of these should be put in the Quotes We Should Learn From corner:

Things It Took Dave Barry Fifty Years To Learn: Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. In one word, reason why the human race has not, and never will, achieved its full potential: meetings. There's a fine line between hobby and mental illness. People who want to share their religious views never want to hear yours. Don't confuse your career with your life. Nobody cares if you can't dance well, just get up and dance. Never lick a steak knife. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip. No one can give you a clear, compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time. Never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. There is a time when you should stop expecting others to make a big deal about your birthday: age eleven. Everyone thinks they are an above-average driver. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a nice person. Your friends love you anyway.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Jun 21, 2014 1:16 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Jun 24, 2014 11:28 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jun 25, 2014 1:13 am 
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A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker met for dinner at a London restaurant. The waiter said, "Excuse me, gentlemen, but we have a shortage of steak." The Texan said, "What's a shortage?" The Russian said, "What's a steak?" The New Yorker said, "What's 'Excuse me'?"

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jun 25, 2014 4:29 pm 
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What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Jun 27, 2014 2:12 am 
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An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said: “we're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.”

The Englishman says: “I'd like to hear God Save The Queen just one more time to remind me of the old country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.

The Irishman says: “I'd like to hear Danny Boy just one more time to remind me of the old country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.”

The Welshman says: “I'd like to hear Men Of Harlech just one more time to remind me of the old country, sung as if by the Aberavon Male Voice Choir.”

The Scotsman says: “I'd like to be shot first.”


Q: How can you tell if it's a folksinger at the door?

A: He can't find his key, and he doesn't know when to come in.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Jul 01, 2014 12:03 pm 
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What does the “B” in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for?

Benoit B. Mandelbrot

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jul 09, 2014 4:41 pm 
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1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.

The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.



2. A jumper cable walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."



3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.



4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.



5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:

"A beer please, and one for the road."



6. Two cannibals are eating a clown.

One says to the other:

"Does this taste funny to you?"



7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."

"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Is it very common?"

"Well, It's Not Unusual."



8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.

Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," says Dolly.

Exclaimed Daisy, "It's true... no bull!"



9. An invisible man married an invisible woman.

The kids were nothing to look at either.



10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.



11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.



12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "We had to amputate your arms!"



13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.



14. What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh.



15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"



16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.

Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.



17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing about in the lobby

discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.

"But why," they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."



18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.'

The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.'

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture

of Ahmal.

Her husband responded, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."



19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an

impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered

from bad breath.

This made him... (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.



20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail.

The call went out that there was a small medium at large.



21. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least

one of the puns would make them laugh.



No pun in ten did.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Jul 10, 2014 2:39 am 
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duchamp wrote:
What does the “B” in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for?

Benoit B. Mandelbrot

That is a very good one... That is a very good one... That is a very good one... That is a very good one... That is a very good one...

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jul 23, 2014 12:31 pm 
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A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa." The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy Moly, thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me this morning. My golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson."

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Jul 27, 2014 10:33 am 
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Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.
She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers... rolls them into a tight ball… and rubs them against the car door.
Instantly, it opens.
"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
The soldier replied, "These are my khakis".

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Jul 27, 2014 12:09 pm 
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WHAHAHAHAHA! Oh I love that one!

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Aug 01, 2014 11:39 am 
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On a Dutch auction site, somebody actually wrote this to advertise his fireplace-DVD (and made the regional news):
"In this 60-minute-long fantasy epic, hearth flames battle each other. Lives are being destroyed, sparks fly around, a genuine spectacle. Travel with the different flames as they set your screen on fire. Unless you have a small TV, then it's a mini-fire. You do have to view it with an open mind, or else it's just a boring fireplace-DVD."

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Aug 04, 2014 11:46 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Aug 10, 2014 8:36 am 
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Where do kings keep all their armies?
Up their sleevies.

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