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PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 6:07 am 
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Location: Chicago, sort of.
What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter? Eventually the puppy stops whining.

What's the difference between a musician and a 16 inch pizza?
The pizza can feed a family of four.

How do you get 2 tuba players to play in tune?
Shoot one.


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 6:14 am 
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I like musician jokes. Two other bad ones..:

---

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".

A bit ticked off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise. The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

Well and truly outraged that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass. You get up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing…
"A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

----

Dear Bandleader:

We look forward to your performance at our daughter's wedding. If you don't mind, we would like to request a few of our favorite
songs. Please play these during the reception:

- A Keith Jarrett composition from his solo series. Please arrange it for full ensemble in the key of B but nothing in 4/4 please.

- Mahavishnu Orchestra, "Dance of the Maya" and please have the guitarist play John Mclaughlin's solo from the live performance Nov. 16, 1972 at Chrysler Arena. My wife and I were at that show and we liked his use of
polyrhythms.

- One of John Coltrane's duets with Pharaoh Sanders. Our guests love high register tenor saxes.

- We thought a little Stravinsky right after the toast would be nice. So please play "The Rite of Spring." We like a tempo of about 1/4 note = 93 and transpose it down 3 half-steps - it will be so much more appropriate for this occasion in the slightly lower register.

- Then for the candle lighting ceremony, please play Frank Zappa's "The Grand Wazoo." The original key of B flat, would be fine but my cousin
Jeannie would like to sing the baritone sax solo in the key of D--she has kind of a high voice.

- When my new son-in-law takes off the garter, please just a little of Varese's "Ionization." It's such a funny piece, we think it would go over real well. Much better than "The Stripper."

- And for the bride & groom's first dance, please slow things down a bit by doing Barber's "Adagio For Strings." It's so much better than "We've Only Just Begun" or the "Anniversary Waltz."

When my wife and I join in the first dance, could you segue to Thelonius Monk's "Ruby, My Dear" - it's in honor of my wife's grandmother whose name was Ruby. It would mean so much to the family.

Thanks for all your help. Depending on the outcome we'll certainly be happy to recommend your band to our friends. We'll have your check for the fee of $250 (minus our expenses in contacting you of $12.50 ) by the end of next month: we're a little short as the young lady doing the balloon arch wanted her $1,850 in advance and the DJ had to be paid up front his $2,500 as normal. Our daughter assured us that your love of music was greater than your need for money, and that you would welcome the exposure you would get from playing this wedding.

Before you leave, please feel free to ask the caterer for a snack sandwich and a soda (the bottles are returnable or you can pay the deposit to the butler). Please use the back entrance to avoid disturbing the guests.

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"When you hear music, after it's over, it's gone in the air. You can never capture it again." -- Eric Dolphy


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 6:16 am 
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Location: speck of dust
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

What goes "Ooooo"?
A cow with no lips.


A man goes to the doctor with a carrot up each nostril and a stick of celery in his left ear. The doctor says he hasn't been eating right.


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 6:40 am 
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Location: South wales
what do you call a 3 legged donkey?
a wonkey.

how do you get pikachu on the bus?
pokemon.


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 6:57 am 
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Location: Rhineland
A rifleman is hunting bears. As he walks through the forest he discovers a huge bear and shoots at him. He runs to the place where the bear stood but the bear is not there. Suddenly the bear tips on the hunter's shoulder. What are you doing here ? Gimme a blow job or i will eat you.

Next day the hunter came back to shoot the bear. Same procedure. After he fires, the bear stands behind him and tips on his shoulder: Gimme a blow job or i will eat you.

Well , the hunter is angry and he wants revenge. The next day he takes his biggest rifle and runs into the forest. After a minute the bear tips his shoulder and ask: You don't come here around only because of hunting, don't you ?

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 6:59 am 
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calvin2hikers wrote:
TOP TEN PUNCHLINES TO SCOTTISH DIRTY JOKES


9. I didn't know you could also get wool from them!


ewe got that right


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 6:59 am 
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What did the Grateful Dead fan say after rehab?

"This music is shit!"

What do you call a guy that hangs around with musicians?

A drummer

Boy:"I want to be a drummer when I grow up!"

Mother:"You can't do both!"

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PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 12:55 pm 
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Location: Sydney, OZ
polydigm wrote:
I was just working with the theme, I didn't mean to imply your joke wasn't funny.


I know. I was going with the theme too - note the winking pumpkin in the above post.


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 1:24 pm 
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cleon wrote:

how do you get pikachu on the bus?
pokemon.


what's a great joke like that doing in a thread like this...?


:D


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 2:23 pm 
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Q. What do you do if you see an epilectic raking a fit in the bath?

A. throw in your dirty clothes

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PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 3:11 pm 
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does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

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PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 3:45 pm 
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Location: EINDHOVEN
World's worst joke:

A woman goes to the doctor, saying:
"Well Doc, it's kinda embarrassing... :oops: but I have such a tiny bosom. But I don't really want to have an operation."

"That won't be necessary," the doctor replies. "All you have to do, is take a piece of paper, and rub it up and down between your breasts for a few seconds, three times a day."

":? Really? Does that work?"

"Why not? It worked on your ass!"

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PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 4:00 pm 
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Comes a blind into a fish shop and says hi girls.

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PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 8:30 pm 
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What's the worst thing about being a pedophile?

Having to go to bed early.


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 11:01 pm 
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Location: UK
Uncle Bernie wrote:
What's the worst thing about being a pedophile?

Having to go to bed early.


arrrghhhh!!! :mrgreen:

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 09, 2006 12:08 am 
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Location: France (hell ?)
what is green and stinks in a forest ?
a dead scout.

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 09, 2006 2:25 am 
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Location: My living room
Q. What do you call a Mexican woman with only one tooth?

A. Juanita...boom...boom!!


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PostPosted: Sun Apr 09, 2006 3:37 am 
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Q. What's black and white and red all over?

A. A nun with her throat cut

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 09, 2006 9:29 am 
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fcuk is offensive to us dyslexics you cnuts.

ha ha you silly girl! that hole is too big for a goldfish?

thats because hes inside your cat.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Apr 12, 2006 9:35 pm 
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Q. What's the difference betweek oral sex and anal sex?

A. Oral sex makes your day and anal sex makes your hole weak

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Apr 13, 2006 1:34 am 
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What's green and stinks of pork?

Kermit's middle finger

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Apr 13, 2006 5:08 am 
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cleon wrote:
what do you call a 3 legged donkey?
a wonkey.

how do you get pikachu on the bus?
pokemon.


Hahahaaha two of my favourite jokes ever! :D Classics.

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PostPosted: Thu Apr 13, 2006 8:33 am 
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Location: South wales
thanks aspy good ones aint they
whats the difference between going to sleep with the light on or going to sleep with a hard on?

you can go to sleep with the light on.

what did a alien say to the bartender when asked to pay his beer tab?

got change of a zonk.


Last edited by cleon on Thu Apr 13, 2006 12:02 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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PostPosted: Thu Apr 13, 2006 9:35 am 
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Location: usa
Q: What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

A: "Make me one with everything!"




(Yes, I know, a Buddhist wouldn't eat meat. It's supposed to be a BAD joke, and besides, are hot dogs really meat?!?)

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PostPosted: Thu Apr 13, 2006 12:55 pm 
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Jesus came into a bar where all the apostles were hanging out and saw them eating a chinese take-away. "Where did you get that" he asked. One of them replied, "Oh Judas bought it, he seems to have come into some money".

Hehe...read that last night in the Billy Connolly book Im readin at the mo. 8)

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