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PostPosted: Sun May 28, 2006 11:47 am 
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What's a chav in a box...

In it Image

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PostPosted: Sun May 28, 2006 12:45 pm 
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Manuel rode the fences along the old road to Albuquerque. The ranches out that way had become incessantly lonely, as the new interstate pavement was too smooth for the average motorist to resist. Manuel rode the fences at dawn and at dusk, and saw nary a car for many days passed.

Manuel himself was quite lonely. Maria had grown tired of his long absences, and had sought fun of a different nature, and had found it good.

On this sunrise Manuel loped atop his horse of no name, and contemplated the night’s dreams as the coffee in his cup swished around excitedly, reigned only by the grace of his gently floating arm. Maria was close last night, though Manuel could not have captured her. This sunrise he thought of what she might be doing, and with whom she might be doing it with down in the big big city of Albuquerque. He felt a tingle in his crotch, and so he squeezed his penis furtively, only to feel a quick wave of disgust and shame at his own arousal. On the fence, some wire had popped off.

Manuel dismounted, and took his hatchet from it’s sleeve, and grabbed a staple from the saddle bag, and stumbled over to the fence, and calmly tacky-tacked it back into compliance. It was a lovely morn. He climbed back up on horse, and looked out along the gully ridge, where his flock did roam. Manuel sighed with yet another realization of his lonely plight.

A sweet ewe climbed up the nearby ridge, and stood staring into nothing as the new sun outlined her pleasant visage. Manuel had often admired the soft mutton-puffs in his charge…their gentleness, their fluffiness, their bleating tongues. Manuel recalled the lonely stories of the lonely old men he had rode with as a youngster, and he pondered the weight of his own lonesomeness compared with theirs, and the depths it would take to drive a man to such desperate doings. He felt himself as horse loped along, and, after a silent moment of woe, Manuel brought out his solid member and bounced it gently on the leathery saddle horn. The cool morning air welcomed the intruder to the waking world, and Manuel relaxed, confident enough of his rural privacy.

Manuel approached the ewe with a gentle grasp of her mane. He softly ushered her to the edge of the ridge where the drop off was sufficient to induce a backing motion in the cautious animal, and he then proceeded to treat the animal as he would have a human woman, using his finger first to find it, then penetrating with his ready member in an unceremonious fashion.

“Bleatâ€￾ said the sheep.

Manuel found it stimulating. His mind began to race with shameful images of his imagined exploits of Maria and her boyfriends, which he combined with the bleating tongue in a flurried fantasy.

Manuel grinned with delight. He was having sex, and it was good. After all, cowboys are all about nature…how was this any different? Manuel pumped with fervency as the wicked sex mix raged in his head, and the bleats became a siren’s call to come, and the sun shone on his clenching bare ass like an cosmic spotlight.

Along the old road to Albuquerque a rare vibration came rumbling from the east. The hollow hiss of it invaded Manuel’s ear, and made its way into the bleating fantasy. In an odd sort of modern instinct, Manuel ceased pumping, and listened carefully. He turned around. The car was almost there already. He pulled out of the ewe with a whimper, and in clumsy haste put up his flopping weasel, and zipped it in unsurely, and hid shyly a bit behind horse as the car slowed to a stop. A smiling young passenger, a mere girl, waved her arms in a joyous hello. Manuel shook with embarrassment and exhaustion.

The girl hollered happily.

“Hey! Is this the old road to Albuquerque?!â€￾

Manuel grabbed his axe.

“I was not! I was fixing this fence!â€￾


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PostPosted: Sun May 28, 2006 3:26 pm 
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When did Paul McCartney write 'Silly Love Songs'

1962-2006

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PostPosted: Tue May 30, 2006 6:33 am 
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FeralCats wrote:
punknaynowned wrote:
I don't get it, maybe I'm thick today.
Chav's are male youths who do nothin but cause trouble?
This sounds like every 14 yr old boy I've ever met, in the right environment.
but then again, I live in a college town. So I guess we have older versions of the same thing. We call them frat boys.


it is my understanding that they are people who 'rebel' by being exactly like everyone else. Sorta like upperclass white kids listening to and 'relating' to Gangsta rap.

Why can't all people listen and enjoy 'Gangsta rap' withou rebelling in any way? :roll:
That's like saying working class kids aren't allowed to listen any classical music.

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PostPosted: Tue May 30, 2006 12:25 pm 
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a man found a tongue in his shoe...and the tongue said to the toe:
hi i'm a catholic girl tongue, are you the pope's penis?
:roll:


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PostPosted: Wed May 31, 2006 9:11 am 
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Why do women have pussy's?

So men will talk to them :)

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 Post subject: Sleeping in a drawer...
PostPosted: Sat Jun 03, 2006 7:00 am 
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Ever spoon so much you wound up forking?


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 03, 2006 7:25 am 
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I just heard on the news that the Pope has Bird Flu! They say he got it from one of his cardinals.

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PostPosted: Sat Jun 03, 2006 8:19 am 
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An eastern salesman flew into DFW on a business trip. He had never been to Texas. After he deplaned, he was amazed at the size of the airport. He commented to the baggage checker…â€￾This is the biggest airport I’ve ever seen!â€￾ The checker smiled and said, “Well, everything’s big in Texas!â€￾

He went out to the arrival area and waited on his hotel bus. When it came, it was one of those large busses with an accordion-type mid-section so that it would bend around corners. “Wow,â€￾ he said to the driver, “this is big for a hotel bus…â€￾ The driver smiled wide and said, “Everything’s big in Texas!â€￾

After he checked in at the hotel, he took a small rest in his room, then headed down to the hotel bar. He sat on an empty barstool at the end of the bar, and ordered a draft beer. The beer arrived in a foot-tall mug, frosty with chill and foam. “Jeez! I just wanted a beer!â€￾ he said to the bartender, “this thing is huge!â€￾ The bartender chuckled a bit, and said, “Hey man, everything’s big in Texas!â€￾

Well, one beer begat another, and pretty soon the salesman was getting sloppy. He felt a rustling next to him, and turned to see a large and very sexy woman sitting nearby. He smiled at her, and she grinned and winked, and said, “You new in town?â€￾ The salesman offered a nod, and she came closer. Her tits were gigantic. The sales man couldn’t take his eyes off them. He muttered drunkenly, “Those are massive!â€￾ The lady giggled and said, “Well, hon, everything’s big in Texas!â€￾

Not longer after that the salesman was getting along good with the gal, and they decided to head on up to his room. But first, the salesman had to relieve himself of the urine that had filled his bladder. He turned to the bartender and said, “Hey man, where’s the restroom?â€￾ The bartender pointed own the hallway and said, “On the left…â€￾

The salesman staggered down the hallway, and clumsily opened a door on the right, and fell immediately into the swimming pool.

“Wait! Wait! Don’t flush it!â€￾


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 Post subject: Me-ow, bitch!
PostPosted: Sat Jun 03, 2006 1:16 pm 
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Grandma bought a nice old lamp at a yard sale. She brought it home and began cleaning it with a cloth. To her amazement, a vapor started coming out of the lamp. It formed magically before her eyes into a fantastic appariton of a genie.

The genie laughed boisterously and smiled wildly as he looked down on frail grandma. "Lady..." he said, "thank you so much for letting me out of that lamp! I shall now grant you three wishes!"

Grandma shook with fright, but eased up as the genie took her gently into his solid arms. "Well," she said coyly, "I suppose I'd like to be young and beautiful again," and BAM!...she was!

"O my!" sang grandma. "Not a problem," said the genie, "and what is your next wish?"

"Well," said grandma, "is there any reason I can't be beautiful and rich, too?"

The genie roared with laughter. "Lady, I like your style", and BAM!...the room was filled with treasure.

Grandma gasped with joy, and danced around on her treasure. Among the jewelry, she heard a muffled meow, and she rushed to extract her cat, who had beome entangled.

"O Walter!" she cried, "I'm rich and beautiful!" She danced around the room some more, swinging Walter along in her trembling arms. Suddenly, she had an idea. She looked up at the resting genie and said "One more wish, right?" The genie nodded in the affirmative.

"O! Would you turn my lovely cat Walter into a handsome prince?" ...and BAM!...Walter was a prince.

Grandma approached the prince and put out her hands, and he grasped them gently, and they gazed deeply into one another's eyes, and drew close, and snuggled lovingly.

Walter pressed his warm mouth gently to her ear. "I'll bet you're sorry that you had my nuts cut off now, eh bitch?"


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 06, 2006 3:15 pm 
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Chip just couldn’t hold the pie sections together and run the bolt through at the same time. He fucked with it for over six minutes, and his arm still was not long enough. He was going to have to get Jose, and the long walk was not again welcome. After a moment of staring, he decided he might be able to call down to him. He dropped the bolts and pie pieces.

His ass drug along behind him has he turned away from the pie and headed out toward the parapet wall. Doug said put the canister on the mast, and build the dish on the canister, but Chip figured it would be just as easy to build the dish and apply the canister to it, then slide it onto the mast. It was too fucking windy anyway, and it would take two guys, but it’s taking two guys anyways, so what the fuck…

Chip came to the edge and looked over the parapet. Eight stories down, Jose was lifting cinder blocks out of the back of the Econoline and placing them atop one another on the hand truck. Chip cupped his palms slightly and placed them to either side of his mouth and hollered: “Hey, Jose!â€￾

Jose heard someone yelling. Chip could tell that Jose was attempting to discern from which direction the yelling was coming from. He continued to yell until Jose entered the cab of the van, and turned down the radio.

“Hey! I need you up here!â€￾

Jose looked around some more, and eventually looked up. He cupped his palm to his ear and pointed it toward Chip. “Que?â€￾ he said sharply.

Chip gathered his breath in and expelled it with a hollering fury.

“I NEED YOU UP HERE!â€￾

Jose shook his head in the affirmative, and waved with his palm, and then went back to moving the blocks. Chip rolled his eyes and spat stupid dumbfuck.

“NO! I NEED YOU UP HERE!â€￾

Jose looked up, and brought his palm to his ear again in the same cupping fashion, and said loudly to the sky above , “QUE?!â€￾

Chip did not want to have to walk down there to make him understand. A quick idea came to him from Jose‘s ear-cupping. “WAIT!â€￾ he hollered, and Jose rested, and slumped a bit on the hand truck while maintaining his upward gaze.

Chip worked it out real quick. “I!â€￾ he shouted, and pointed to his eye. “NEED!â€￾, he shouted, and pointed to his knee. “YOU! “, he shouted, and pointed down at Jose. “UPâ€￾, he shouted, and pointed his index fingers toward the sky. “HEREâ€￾ he shouted, and turned his pointing fingers to his rooftop vicinity, and spread out the fisted fingers as if to point to the entire nearby area.

Jose nodded in the affirmative, and stepped away from the hand truck in order to make some clearance, and held a palm up to indicate that Chip should hold on and wait. Jose adjusted his clothing as if he was appearing suddenly before an audience, and stood straight an still for just an instant before he bent over just a tad, and made a motion with his hand at his crotch that solidly imitated masturbation, albeit in a highly exaggerated way. Chip shook his head in silent disgust and watched, but all he could see was a mocking jack-off.

“Fuck you , yeah fucking jack off…â€￾ Chip said as he turned away and began the long walk down to where Jose’s ass awaited kicking. He trekked across the massive roof, and over to the grey penthouse, where he climbed the steel staircase to the door that led inward and downward.

Just as he got to the top step, the door opened. It was Jose. Chip walked backward down the steps and made curses along the way.

“What the fuck?! Didn’t you get what I was saying?â€￾ Chip went through the movements, and stretched out the words as he said them. “I eye need knee you you up up here hereâ€￾.

Jose nodded in the affirmative, and made his jacking-off motion.

“I said I was coming!â€￾


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 10, 2006 7:51 am 
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Don't look here, the joke is in your hand...


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 20, 2006 11:56 pm 
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Do you shop at Tesco's? Read about the Nationwide scam!

BE WARNED!

I don't how many of you shop at Tesco, but this may be useful to know. I am sending this to you to warn you of something that happened to me, as I have become a victim of a clever scam whilst out shopping. This happened to me at Tesco in Dundee and it could happen to you. Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the boot. They both start wiping your windscreen with a rag and Windolene, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Tesco. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen last Friday, Saturday, twice on Sunday, again on Tuesday, and also yesterday.

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 26, 2006 3:23 am 
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There was this couple that had been married for 20
years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one
night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! It was soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says
calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 26, 2006 8:08 am 
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What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

The Jesus picture will hang with just one nail.

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 26, 2006 9:54 am 
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BBP wrote:
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

The Jesus picture will hang with just one nail.


hahahahahaha lmfao :mrgreen:

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PostPosted: Sun Aug 27, 2006 3:09 pm 
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Location: Wandering aimlessly through the American wasteland...
As I was cruising down a country lane, this big Chicken passed me by, doin' about 50! I followed it up the drive to a farm house, where the Chicken ran swiftly 'round the back.
The Farmer came over and asked, "Can I help you?"
"I just followed the fastest Chicken I've ever seen up here!", I exclaimed.
"Oh", the Farmer replied, "That's my Three Legged Chicken. Every Sunday Supper, my Wife would get a drumstick, my Mother-In-Law would get a drumstick, and I wouldn't get one, so I bred that Three Legged Chicken."
"That's amazing!", I said in awe, "How do they taste?"
The Farmer looked down, shook his head, and said, "Don't know, can't catch 'em."

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PostPosted: Mon Aug 28, 2006 10:10 am 
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- What happens when a T-Rex bites you?
....-.........You get a dino-sore.

- Why didn't the little girl want to leave nursery school?
....-........She wanted to be a nurse.

- What do you say when a dog runs away?
....-.......Dog-gone!

- What do prisoners use to call each other?
....-.......Cell phones.

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PostPosted: Mon Aug 28, 2006 11:53 pm 
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Screw the setup: here's the punchline.

There was Frank Zappa, decomposing....

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 29, 2006 3:04 am 
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Wy can't Jesus eat M&M's?

They keep falling through the holes in his hands.

:)

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 29, 2006 11:37 am 
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There is a trucker on a line on the highway, suddenly a man from a charity collecting money speaks to him:
"Something terrible happened, George Bush is kidnapped by Al Qaida terrorists and they want a million dollars of ransom or else they will throw him all over the gasoline and set him on fire!"

The trucker:
"How much do the other truckers give?"

Charity man:
"1 or 2 litres."


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 29, 2006 2:30 pm 
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:mrgreen: That one's great Ollo!


It's brown and sticky...





...a stick...

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 29, 2006 4:41 pm 
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Location: Aotearoa NZ
A seven year old Australian boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama today when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody
over him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge awarded custody to his aunt. The boy confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and refused to live there.
When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone.
The judge dramatically allowed the boy to choose who should have custody of him.

Custody was yesterday granted to the Australian Rugby team,
as the boy firmly believes that they are not capable of beating anyone.


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 29, 2006 5:43 pm 
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what was Hitler's favorite jazz song?

'there will never be another jew.'

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 01, 2006 4:23 am 
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Weeeellll, cath-o-lick girls....

A train hits a bus load of catholic school girls and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter.

St. Peter asks first girl, "Karen, have you ever had any contact with a
penis?"

She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with
the tip of my finger.

St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and
pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Karina have you ever
had any contact with a penis?"

The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and
stroked one."

St.Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass
through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, on e
girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front
of the line St. Peter says "Susan! What seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want
to do it before Josie sticks her ass in there!"

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