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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed May 09, 2012 12:11 pm 
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The "cold shoulder" is what is given to unpopular people at a gathering. An English saying, I suppose...

The blonde did not take the tissues out of the box when she stuffed her bra. Therefore, squarish tits

Just so you know.


Last edited by A rope leash on Wed May 09, 2012 12:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed May 09, 2012 12:12 pm 
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What did the toadstool say to the mushroom?



Why won't you go out with me? I'm a fungi!


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat May 12, 2012 12:51 am 
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Another one I don't get:
Isn't the correct order "Vidi, vici,veni!"?

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat May 12, 2012 1:01 am 
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BBP wrote:
"The name's familiar, but the face just doesn't ring a bell."

HAHAHAHAHA Coffee on the key board....


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat May 12, 2012 4:12 am 
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Gray_Ghost wrote:
BBP wrote:
"The name's familiar, but the face just doesn't ring a bell."

HAHAHAHAHA Coffee on the key board....

If you like that, you'll love the new 3 Stooges movie!

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat May 12, 2012 5:59 am 
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just plain doug wrote:
Gray_Ghost wrote:
BBP wrote:
"The name's familiar, but the face just doesn't ring a bell."

HAHAHAHAHA Coffee on the key board....

If you like that, you'll love the new 3 Stooges movie!


It got an A- in Entertainment Weekly!!!!

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat May 12, 2012 6:14 am 
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calvin2hikers wrote:
just plain doug wrote:
If you like that, you'll love the new 3 Stooges movie!


It got an A- in Entertainment Weekly!!!!

Probably because Moe gives Snookie the ol' eye-poke! 8)

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat May 12, 2012 9:07 am 
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just plain doug wrote:
calvin2hikers wrote:
just plain doug wrote:
If you like that, you'll love the new 3 Stooges movie!


It got an A- in Entertainment Weekly!!!!

Probably because Moe gives Snookie the ol' eye-poke! 8)


I thought they actually did a very good job and stayed very true to the Stooges.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat May 12, 2012 10:51 am 
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So is it worth the price of admission then,everyone? :|

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat May 12, 2012 12:29 pm 
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KAPT.KIIRK wrote:
So is it worth the price of admission then,everyone? :|


If you like the stooges (which I do), then yes.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat May 12, 2012 12:37 pm 
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AGuyWithAWrench wrote:
KAPT.KIIRK wrote:
So is it worth the price of admission then,everyone? :|


If you like the stooges (which I do), then yes.

Speaking as a registered Knucklehead, I laughed 'til I stopped!
(Two highschool friends and I left the wives at home, and went to see it. A good time was had by all!)

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat May 12, 2012 12:45 pm 
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just plain doug wrote:
AGuyWithAWrench wrote:
KAPT.KIIRK wrote:
So is it worth the price of admission then,everyone? :|


If you like the stooges (which I do), then yes.

Speaking as a registered Knucklehead, I laughed 'til I stopped!
(Two highschool friends and I left the wives at home, and went to see it. A good time was had by all!)

That sounds like the ticket! 8) :D

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat May 12, 2012 7:00 pm 
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just plain doug wrote:
AGuyWithAWrench wrote:
KAPT.KIIRK wrote:
So is it worth the price of admission then,everyone? :|


If you like the stooges (which I do), then yes.

Speaking as a registered Knucklehead, I laughed 'til I stopped!
(Two highschool friends and I left the wives at home, and went to see it. A good time was had by all!)


Aren't you a canucklehead too? hohoho

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun May 13, 2012 1:36 am 
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How many SPACEBROTHERS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three.

One to figure out what a screw is.

One to figure out what a light bulb is.

And one to deny ever asking for assistance with screwing in the light bulb.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun May 13, 2012 3:41 pm 
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What do you get when you drop a piano down a pit shaft?

A-Flat Minor.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri May 18, 2012 8:09 pm 
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Is Sex Work?

A Canadian Army Officer was about to start the morning Briefing to all of his staff and while waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before, and therefore; he failed to get his usual amount of sleep.
He posed the question:
"How much of the act of sex is "work," and how much is "pure pleasure"?
A Captain chimed in with a 75-25% in favour of 'work'.
A Lieutenant said it was about 50-50%.
A Warrant-Officer responded with a 25-75% in favour of 'pleasure', depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the Officer turned to a Newfie Private who was in charge of making the coffee.
What was HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young Newfie responded:
"Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure, Sir."
The Officer seemed a little surprised and asked "And why is that, soldier"?
"Well, Sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them, Sir".
The room fell silent.

God Bless the Newfie.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat May 19, 2012 9:01 am 
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just plain doug wrote:
Is Sex Work?

A Canadian Army Officer was about to start the morning Briefing to all of his staff and while waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before, and therefore; he failed to get his usual amount of sleep.
He posed the question:
"How much of the act of sex is "work," and how much is "pure pleasure"?
A Captain chimed in with a 75-25% in favour of 'work'.
A Lieutenant said it was about 50-50%.
A Warrant-Officer responded with a 25-75% in favour of 'pleasure', depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the Officer turned to a Newfie Private who was in charge of making the coffee.
What was HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young Newfie responded:
"Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure, Sir."
The Officer seemed a little surprised and asked "And why is that, soldier"?
"Well, Sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them, Sir".
The room fell silent.

God Bless the Newfie.

LOL. Canadians, eh!

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun May 20, 2012 9:50 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon May 21, 2012 1:04 pm 
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Location: echoing through the canyons of your mind
Disco Boy wrote:
How many SPACEBROTHERS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three.

One to figure out what a screw is.

One to figure out what a light bulb is.

And one to deny ever asking for assistance with screwing in the light bulb.


Best joke ever... :roll:


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon May 21, 2012 4:53 pm 
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SPACEBROTHER wrote:
Disco Boy wrote:
How many SPACEBROTHERS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three.

One to figure out what a screw is.

One to figure out what a light bulb is.

And one to deny ever asking for assistance with screwing in the light bulb.


Best joke ever... :roll:


In case you haven't noticed, the title of this thread is, "The Bad Joke Thread."

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon May 21, 2012 10:06 pm 
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Considering the the level of superior intellect it takes to come up with something as witty and original as a "how many lightbulbs" joke, I'm suprised you didn't follow it up with "knock knock, who's there" or a "yer mama" joke.

Disco Boy must have went to Harvard, because he's member of the fraternity I-ate-a-cock.



Now thats how you tell a bad joke. Git back to learnin' disco boy.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue May 22, 2012 1:50 am 
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Go take you humourless political vendetta elsewhere, both of you Image

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue May 22, 2012 2:50 am 
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*I met a fairy today who granted me one wish.

"I want to live forever" I said.

"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that, try something else."

"Fine" I said, "I don't want to die until Ron Paul is elected."

"You're a shifty little bastard, aren't you?" said the fairy.*




From: Justin Flecker
Date: Sunday 6 May 2012 6.52pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Lamp
I received your note but you cant go onto other peoples property and take things, that's trespassing. Massanutten is a wooded area and I installed that light for security. It's a safety issue. I can't help it if some of the light goes across the road, close your curtains if it bothers you.

From: David Thorne
Date: Sunday 6 May 2012 7.41pm
To: Justin Flecker
Subject: Re: Lamp

Hello Justin,
Thank you for your email. While I accept that curtains are usually the key to community accord, in this instance they would need to be constructed of eight-inch-thick lead sheeting. Last night, with my curtains closed and bedside light off, I read a book. Wearing sunglasses. Under a blanket.
Though unconvinced that blinding the local fauna is the best solution, I do understand the heightened need for security living in a wooded area such as the gated community of Massanutten demands.
Having formerly lived my entire life in Australia, I am unfamiliar with much of the local wildlife but I did see my first raccoon last week. I stepped outside to have a cigarette and the raccoon, sitting less than five feet away beside an up-ended bin eating the remains of a Domino's Artisan Tuscan Salami pizza, hissed at me. Surprised, I threw myself backwards, rolled several times toward the door, and sprang to my feet holding the welcome-mat above my head to appear taller. Sometime during the roll-spring-mat manoeuvre (probably during the roll part as it was over gravel and I was wearing shorts and a thin t-shirt so I had to take it slow), the raccoon left. Which probably isn't as exciting a story as it should be but this isn't Borneo and I'm not Jack London.
I did see a snake the other day though. I picked up a stick to throw at it in panic. Our dog thought I was playing fetch and I had to run and jump over a creek to get away.

As such, this weekend I intend to set up a canister of poisonous gas in my yard with an industrial fan behind it. I can't help it if some of the gas goes across the road.
Regards, David.


From: Justin Flecker
Date: Monday 7 May 2012 2.14pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Lamp

Is that meant to be a threat? Put something up in your window if you don't like the light, we lived here 5 years before you even moved into the neighborhood and got along perfectly with Ryan who lived at your property before you. We went to his BBQ's and I loaned him our mower. We get along with all our neighbors. I dont know what you people do in your own country but in this country we dont go onto other peoples property and touch their stuff.


From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 7 May 2012 3.37pm
To: Justin Flecker
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

Dear Justin,
In my country, terawatt globes are reserved for police helicopter chases and warning sailors of hazardous shoals. This is despite the fact that practically every living creature there can kill you in under three minutes. Our primary spoken language is screaming.
I'm not surprised you get along well with all the other neighbours. If you put fifty children with Down's syndrome in a room there is going to be a lot of hugging.
And no, it was not a threat. It was an exaggerated response to an uncompromising stance. I was taught never to make a threat unless you are prepared to carry it out and I am not a fan of carrying anything. Even watching other people carrying things makes me uncomfortable.

I did consider installing a floodlight as bright as yours, but this would require carrying things, electrical wiring knowledge, and access to a power supply capable of producing that amount of wattage. Probably fusion. As I get told off by my partner for wasting money when I leave the light on in the bathroom overnight, I can only speculate as to what her reaction would be to an electricity bill eight times our annual income for retaliatory garden lighting. She would probably have to get a third job.
It would be much cheaper to stand in my driveway and throw rocks. I can't help it if some of the rocks go across the road. You should probably put something up in your window.
Regards, David.


From: Justin Flecker
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 10.01am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

Did you take our lamp again asshole? What part about not being allowed to go on our property don't you get?


From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 10.32am
To: Justin Flecker
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

Dear Justin,
No, I did not take the light again. I relocated it again. Its current location may be discovered by deciphering the following set of clues to its whereabouts. Perhaps you could invite your friend Ryan over and treat it as a kind of treasure hunt:
1. It's in the letterbox again.
2. Look in the letterbox.
As I realise this probably won't narrow it down much for you, I will give you a third clue in the form of a riddle:
What burns with the light of a thousand suns and is in the letterbox?
Regards, David.


From: Justin Flecker
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 11.15am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

I put a smaller lamp in so you can shut the fuck up now. Don't email me again and if you ever trespass on our property again I will press charges.


From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 8 2012 12.02pm
To: Justin Flecker
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

Dear Justin,
What if I have a barbecue and need to send you an invitation? Is it ok to email you then?
Regards, David.


From: Justin Flecker
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 12.18pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

No it's not ok.


From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 12.27pm
To: Justin Flecker
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

Dear Justin,
What if I need to borrow your lawn-mower? I can't invite people over for a barbecue and expect them to stand in long grass. Someone might be bitten by a snake. It's a safety issue.
Regards, David.


From: Justin Flecker
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 3.26pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

Fuck Off back to Austria.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue May 22, 2012 4:49 am 
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David Thorne is one seriously funny fucker but I'm glad I don't live next door to him.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed May 23, 2012 3:43 pm 
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