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 Post subject: Re: lol
PostPosted: Tue May 25, 2010 11:48 am 
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Location: echoing through the canyons of your mind
baddy wrote:
:shock: HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!? :shock:

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Infinitely better than the alternative we would have had........

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 Post subject: Re: lol
PostPosted: Tue May 25, 2010 11:52 am 
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Location: in deepest, darkest Germany
So that's what Palin looks like when she's dropped "vewwy baad bwaun aciid".

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 Post subject: Re: lol
PostPosted: Tue May 25, 2010 12:16 pm 
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Caputh wrote:
So that's what Palin looks like when she's dropped "vewwy baad bwaun aciid".


She doesn't need it.

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 Post subject: Re: lol
PostPosted: Mon May 31, 2010 5:47 pm 
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Lol, too bad I didn't need one of these :oops:

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 Post subject: Re: lol
PostPosted: Thu Jun 03, 2010 4:15 pm 
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LOl, world financial collapse explained in under 3 minutes :lol:


(Disclaimer: it's really about people owing central banks that are chartered by the nations).

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 Post subject: Re: lol
PostPosted: Fri Jul 23, 2010 7:17 pm 
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Location: Windsor,Ontario Canada
A Blonde's Year in Review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....
Box said ' 2-4 years!'

April
Trapped on escalator for hours ...
Power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool Aid.....wrong instructions....
8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......
Couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....
Learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm......
Car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....
They are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ....
Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December

Couldn't call 911.
'Duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!

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 Post subject: Re: lol
PostPosted: Fri Jul 23, 2010 7:24 pm 
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Posts: 10900
Location: Windsor,Ontario Canada
THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'

To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'

(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)

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'My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'

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 Post subject: Re: lol
PostPosted: Wed Jul 28, 2010 4:15 pm 
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Posts: 10900
Location: Windsor,Ontario Canada
To my darling husband,

Before you return from your business trip I just want to let you know about the

small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway.

Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too

much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I

accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake..

The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when

it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will

forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.

I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.
XXX

p.s. your girlfriend called.


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 Post subject: Re: lol
PostPosted: Wed Jul 28, 2010 5:43 pm 
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Posts: 1953
At first I thought that was a Corvette...but it's a goddamn Ferrari!

Arkansas plates, too. They must be sophistihicks.


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 Post subject: Re: lol
PostPosted: Wed Jul 28, 2010 7:44 pm 
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Location: CT coast, USA
Go Blue Team! :lol: :lol: :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: lol
PostPosted: Sun Aug 01, 2010 10:19 pm 
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Joined: Thu Nov 22, 2007 3:09 pm
Posts: 729
Location: Australia
The Black Bra
(as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have
been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by
greeting them at the door.
Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to
meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather
bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a
raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and
Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he
started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,
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"What's for dinner, Zorro?"







28 UNIVERSAL TRUTHS
>
>
> 1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately
> clear your computer history if you die.
>
> 2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
> realize you're wrong.
>
> 3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I
> was younger.
>
> 4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
>
> 5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
>
> 6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
>
> 7. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how
> the person died.
>
> 8. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
>
> 9. Bad decisions make good stories.
>
> 10. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at
> work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything
> productive for the rest of the day.
>
> 11. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I
> don't want to have to restart my collection ... again.
>
> 12. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it
> asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper
> that I swear I did not make any changes to.
>
> 13. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this
> - ever.
>
> 14. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?
> Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and
> goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the
> phone and run away?
>
> 15. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not
> seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
>
> 16. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know
> not to answer when they call.
>
> 17. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
>
> 18. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid " routing option.
>
> 19. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger
> and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I
> first saw it.
>
> 20. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand
> than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
>
> 21. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and
> hunger
>
> 22. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just
> nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word
> they said?
>
> 23. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team
> up to prevent an a ** from cutting in at the front. Stay strong,
> brothers and sisters!
>
> 24. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every
> year?
>
> 25. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you
> are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
>
> 26. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate
> drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always
> hate cyclists.
>
> 27. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and
> still not know what time it is.
>
> 28. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their
> car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail
> on the Donkey - but I'd bet my behind everyone can find and push the
> snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed,
> first time, every time!


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 Post subject: Re: lol
PostPosted: Mon Aug 02, 2010 6:51 am 
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Location: CT coast, USA
Heard this one last week from Myrna Loy while talking with William Powell, (she said it so well too)...

Husband to wife: "But you don't have to worry about her, she's already got a husband."

Wife: "Oh really, who's does she have?"

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 Post subject: Re: lol
PostPosted: Thu Aug 05, 2010 6:57 am 
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Posts: 15050
Boy: I want to be a drummer when I grow up.

Mother: You can't do both!

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 Post subject: Re: lol
PostPosted: Thu Aug 05, 2010 7:19 am 
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Posts: 1547
Try fling a flam and not being certain that you have made it sure a marvellous thing's going to surprise ..you, the secret wisdom and the motley brew.


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 Post subject: Re: lol
PostPosted: Thu Aug 05, 2010 10:09 am 
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Posts: 3605
not funny

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 Post subject: Re: lol
PostPosted: Thu Aug 05, 2010 2:42 pm 
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Joined: Wed Jun 13, 2007 7:33 pm
Posts: 471
Location: Providence, Rhode Island
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH


A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'




The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..'




Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.



Which one is married?'




The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'




To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking..'





LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)







Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.




'Why?' asks the father?





'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.





'But that's right!' says his dad.





'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''




'What's the f....... difference?' asks the father.




'That's what I said!'







LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH





Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'




RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate..'




Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'




Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'






LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)





One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.




First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'




'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.




'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully..'




She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.




'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f..... beautiful!''






LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER






Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'




Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'




The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'

Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f...... business.

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 Post subject: Re: lol
PostPosted: Thu Aug 05, 2010 9:38 pm 
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nobody wanders of finding those incredible writings here on ..bet you haven't. ...can I venture to the next joke? kayhh, no problaemh...


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 Post subject: Re: lol
PostPosted: Thu Aug 05, 2010 9:56 pm 
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Posts: 1547
Just in case you haven't yet changed to read or skipped that 1der:

(wizzey lil edit, ad. some dreamships - inner a few minutes)

Punky64 wrote:
A cruise ship magician, with a side-kick parrot is always upset with the parrot for giving away the secrets of his tricks. "Rahhh. It's in his sleeve. Rahhh, he's palming it." One day the magician does his trick for the audience, the parrot gives away the secret, and the magician has had enough. He pulls out a pistol, and fires it at the parrot. The bird, having very quick reflexes, ducks as the bullet flies by him, hitting a huge fuel tank. The fuel tank explodes, destroying the cruise ship, and the whole ship sinks into the ocean. Everyone perishes with the raft, except, of course, the magician and the parrot. As they float on the ocean on a single piece of wood, the joker looks at the magician and says, "Okay, I give up. Where's the ship?"


SOSsernoWha? largest lol in known time and space. ...cooz ppl don't get it.

Have yer seen that one? (the presenter is Germany's most famous ex-comedian, Jack-of-all-trades, now satire man, I made him laugh, tell you shortly) ...or not.

AWRIGH'ee>:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eoygH4h45jM

now let the spell-bouncing begin... ehmm, a hand, some more fingers, a silly saying and ...you wouldn't believe it sommes!...


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 Post subject: Re: lol
PostPosted: Fri Aug 13, 2010 2:44 pm 
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Joined: Thu Nov 22, 2007 3:09 pm
Posts: 729
Location: Australia
Image


Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!
Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is obviously what kill you.


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 Post subject: Re: lol
PostPosted: Sun Dec 05, 2010 6:19 am 
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Location: CT coast, USA
Got these in the emails this morning :lol:

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Got Milk?
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...and this last one I got when I worked at a photo lab about 30 years ago...when Joes Garage II was out...
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 Post subject: Re: lol
PostPosted: Mon Dec 06, 2010 10:04 am 
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Joined: Mon Mar 17, 2003 5:30 pm
Posts: 10900
Location: Windsor,Ontario Canada
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 Post subject: Re: lol
PostPosted: Fri Dec 10, 2010 8:10 am 
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Joined: Mon Mar 17, 2003 5:30 pm
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Location: Windsor,Ontario Canada
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 Post subject: Re: lol
PostPosted: Mon Dec 13, 2010 8:54 am 
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Joined: Mon Mar 17, 2003 5:30 pm
Posts: 10900
Location: Windsor,Ontario Canada
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 Post subject: Re: lol
PostPosted: Mon Dec 13, 2010 8:39 pm 
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Joined: Mon Mar 17, 2003 5:30 pm
Posts: 10900
Location: Windsor,Ontario Canada
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 Post subject: Re: lol
PostPosted: Wed Dec 15, 2010 9:19 am 
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Joined: Mon Mar 17, 2003 5:30 pm
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Location: Windsor,Ontario Canada
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