Zappa.com

The Official Frank Zappa Messageboards
It is currently Tue Mar 31, 2015 3:26 am

All times are UTC - 8 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 45 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next
Author Message
PostPosted: Fri Jul 31, 2009 7:48 am 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Thu Mar 05, 2009 5:48 pm
Posts: 22843
Location: Somewhere in time
This is for all the individuals who think their wana-be "sports" and "sports activities" are SPORTS. Don't get me wrong, grandpa here was the on the leading edge and an innovator of many of these activities that are now called "extreme sports" and have participated in many "activities" that are now considered sports. I also participated in the traditional American sports growing up, if your "thing" is eliminated by this list it does not mean you are not an athlete. Personally I maintained “tri-athlete” conditioning into my mid 40’s, doing many of these activities. So good or bad here it is…enjoy!


RULES THAT MAKE A SPORT

1. The activity MUST require hand/eye coordination (This eliminates soccer along with non-physical activates like chess and spelling bee competitions)

2. There must be a projectile involved, i.e.; a ball, puck or gloved fist. (This eliminates video games and competitive eating)

3. The person MUST be the athlete. (This eliminates all driving activities, where the car is the athlete, as well as all animal related games like rodeo, horse racing and cock-fighting)

4. There must be legitimate potential physical contact with other people and/or legitimate injury potential (This eliminates asinine entries like bowling, croquet, golf, fishing, pool, tennis)

5. The game must either be American by birth or America must have stolen it from its birth nation (goodbye rugby, cricket, running with the bulls and karate)

6. The activity MUST have national appeal across all of America, not just regional pockets of popularity. (This eliminates lacrosse, rowing and fluffernutter eating)

7. The game cannot be played in water (All swimming related activities, diving and of course water polo are gone, as well as Marco polo)

8. Women can't be good at it (This kills softball, volleyball, roller derby and tennis)

9. The activity cannot fall under the heading of "extreme, ultimate and/or adrenaline rush activities." Things you do to cheat death are not sports, they're just showing off. (Goodbye all motor biking, rock climbing, fighting that isn't boxing, skateboarding and the rest)

10. Can't be stupid (paintball)


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Jul 31, 2009 9:31 am 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Mon Nov 07, 2005 6:07 pm
Posts: 5691
Location: Closer than I Appear
May I add:

11. The sport must be namable as a proper noun, and not as a gerund.

and

12. Borderline homoerotic activity is socially acceptable within the confines of said sport.

_________________
Let's hear it again for the London Philharmonic Orchestra!


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Jul 31, 2009 9:46 am 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Mon Apr 03, 2006 9:28 pm
Posts: 2793
Location: in the tiny dirt somewhere
13. There must be alcohol involved: the more, the better...

_________________
_________________Image


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Jul 31, 2009 9:58 am 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Mon Aug 19, 2002 10:51 pm
Posts: 2355
Location: Europe
Soccer as performed in southern parts of Europe requires extensive hand and eye coordination. E.g., when explaining how a brutal tackle was just a pad on the shoulder. So to eliminate soccer, I guess Criterion 1 needs to be rephrased slightly.

_________________
"Everybody in this room is wearing a uniform, and don't kid yourself" - FZ
http://www.myspace.com/kirnehness


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Jul 31, 2009 10:56 am 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Mon Oct 24, 2005 2:56 pm
Posts: 4716
14. Anything where you roll around on the ground holding your leg like a big pussy is not a sport and neither is fucking soccer! :mrgreen:

_________________
Image


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Jul 31, 2009 6:44 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Thu Mar 05, 2009 5:48 pm
Posts: 22843
Location: Somewhere in time
HJ wrote:
Soccer as performed in southern parts of Europe requires extensive hand and eye coordination. E.g., when explaining how a brutal tackle was just a pad on the shoulder. So to eliminate soccer, I guess Criterion 1 needs to be rephrased slightly.


Soccer is out on rule 10 (its stupid) if number one doesn't do it for you and lets not forget number 6 (mass appeal in America). This crap will never catch on in the US, the scoring systems is boring and leaves us wishing for a fast death.
:mrgreen:


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Jul 31, 2009 10:57 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sat Nov 22, 2008 8:22 pm
Posts: 2270
Plook wrote:
HJ wrote:
Soccer as performed in southern parts of Europe requires extensive hand and eye coordination. E.g., when explaining how a brutal tackle was just a pad on the shoulder. So to eliminate soccer, I guess Criterion 1 needs to be rephrased slightly.


Soccer is out on rule 10 (its stupid) if number one doesn't do it for you and lets not forget number 6 (mass appeal in America). This crap will never catch on in the US, the scoring systems is boring and leaves us wishing for a fast death.
:mrgreen:


I used to feel like you Plook but I'm actually starting to like soccer a little. It helped that I was roped into helping coach my son's 12 & under team last year and he surprisingly ended up being the best player on his team kicking at least one goal in every game. Now I don't sit around watching games on tv or anything but if I do happen to stumble across a game on espn2 or something I'll check it out for awhile. I played one year of organized soccer when I was in sixth grade and I was named the all-star goalie for the league. I was a bad motherfucker. Ha ha. It was the first year they had organized youth soccer in Oroville (this would have been 1973 I think). After the season our coach took us to the Oakland Coliseum to see Pele's Brazil team play Guadalajara. Pele made the only goal. It was interesting for all the fights in the stands too. The fans were quite passionate.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat Aug 01, 2009 1:30 am 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Mon Apr 03, 2006 9:28 pm
Posts: 2793
Location: in the tiny dirt somewhere
feetlightup wrote:
11. The sport must be namable as a proper noun, and not as a gerund.

I guess that rules out dwarf tossing.

feetlightup wrote:
12. Borderline homoerotic activity is socially acceptable within the confines of said sport.

Okay: dwarf tossing is back in...

_________________
_________________Image


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat Aug 01, 2009 4:22 am 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Sat Feb 24, 2007 7:14 am
Posts: 19831
Location: Kitchener, Ontario, CANADA
KillUgly wrote:
Plook wrote:
HJ wrote:
Soccer as performed in southern parts of Europe requires extensive hand and eye coordination. E.g., when explaining how a brutal tackle was just a pad on the shoulder. So to eliminate soccer, I guess Criterion 1 needs to be rephrased slightly.


Soccer is out on rule 10 (its stupid) if number one doesn't do it for you and lets not forget number 6 (mass appeal in America). This crap will never catch on in the US, the scoring systems is boring and leaves us wishing for a fast death.
:mrgreen:


I used to feel like you Plook but I'm actually starting to like soccer a little.

Yeah...it's fun until someone kicks a ball into your face, from 3 feet away.

_________________
You're probably wondering why I'm here
(not that it makes a heck of a lot of a difference to ya)
Image


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat Aug 01, 2009 6:51 am 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Thu Mar 05, 2009 5:48 pm
Posts: 22843
Location: Somewhere in time
KillUgly wrote:
Plook wrote:
HJ wrote:
Soccer as performed in southern parts of Europe requires extensive hand and eye coordination. E.g., when explaining how a brutal tackle was just a pad on the shoulder. So to eliminate soccer, I guess Criterion 1 needs to be rephrased slightly.


Soccer is out on rule 10 (its stupid) if number one doesn't do it for you and lets not forget number 6 (mass appeal in America). This crap will never catch on in the US, the scoring systems is boring and leaves us wishing for a fast death.
:mrgreen:


I used to feel like you Plook but I'm actually starting to like soccer a little. It helped that I was roped into helping coach my son's 12 & under team last year and he surprisingly ended up being the best player on his team kicking at least one goal in every game. Now I don't sit around watching games on tv or anything but if I do happen to stumble across a game on espn2 or something I'll check it out for awhile. I played one year of organized soccer when I was in sixth grade and I was named the all-star goalie for the league. I was a bad motherfucker. Ha ha. It was the first year they had organized youth soccer in Oroville (this would have been 1973 I think). After the season our coach took us to the Oakland Coliseum to see Pele's Brazil team play Guadalajara. Pele made the only goal. It was interesting for all the fights in the stands too. The fans were quite passionate.


My point exactly, great activity, your definitely an athlete. But even you who coach and played as a child cannot vouch for being a Fan, you can’t even make it through a whole game on TV…LOL. The highlight game you saw with one of it’s (almost typed sports there, I don’t want to ruin my stick with a mistake like that!) greatest players in Oakland was a 1-0 victory…whew I bet the fights in the stands were more interesting! It's eliminated by rule 6, 5, and 1.
:twisted:


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat Aug 01, 2009 9:22 am 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Mon Oct 24, 2005 2:56 pm
Posts: 4716
OK bucko! Look what you did now he's going to have a bruise! I'm giving you a card for that one! One more card and I'm sending you to the principal!

_________________
Image


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Aug 03, 2009 5:21 am 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Sun Aug 25, 2002 8:28 am
Posts: 1842
Location: speck of dust
just plain doug wrote:
Yeah...it's fun until someone kicks a ball into your face, from 3 feet away.

Or...kicks a face into your balls from 3 feet away.

_________________
Close your eyes and visualize a glockenspiel(*,*)


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Aug 04, 2009 2:55 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Sun Apr 01, 2007 2:47 pm
Posts: 357
Location: Mons Venus
Plook wrote:
HJ wrote:
Soccer as performed in southern parts of Europe requires extensive hand and eye coordination. E.g., when explaining how a brutal tackle was just a pad on the shoulder. So to eliminate soccer, I guess Criterion 1 needs to be rephrased slightly.


Soccer is out on rule 10 (its stupid) if number one doesn't do it for you and lets not forget number 6 (mass appeal in America). This crap will never catch on in the US, the scoring systems is boring and leaves us wishing for a fast death.
:mrgreen:
[/quote]


I go to the dentist and get 30 hits of h y d r o c o d o n e for my pain. I take advil and save the dope for the kids' soccer games. It's the only way to make it tolerable. H y d r o c o d o n e actually makes soccer enjoyable. I can listen to the morons yell at the kids, check out some MILFs and dream about my next trip to the dentist. I can smile the whole time. And the kicker is that people think I'm doing good parenting.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Aug 04, 2009 3:19 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Tue Apr 04, 2006 10:21 am
Posts: 5368
Location: Rhineland
dipshit wrote:
Plook wrote:
HJ wrote:
Soccer as performed in southern parts of Europe requires extensive hand and eye coordination. E.g., when explaining how a brutal tackle was just a pad on the shoulder. So to eliminate soccer, I guess Criterion 1 needs to be rephrased slightly.


Soccer is out on rule 10 (its stupid) if number one doesn't do it for you and lets not forget number 6 (mass appeal in America). This crap will never catch on in the US, the scoring systems is boring and leaves us wishing for a fast death.
:mrgreen:



I go to the dentist and get 30 hits of h y d r o c o d o n e for my pain. I take advil and save the dope for the kids' soccer games. It's the only way to make it tolerable. H y d r o c o d o n e actually makes soccer enjoyable. I can listen to the morons yell at the kids, check out some MILFs and dream about my next trip to the dentist. I can smile the whole time. And the kicker is that people think I'm doing good parenting.[/quote]

Beer has got the same impact and tastes better than pills. I'm playing football - or soccer as you funny Americans say - for more than 40 years and it's great ! Best sport.

_________________
What's the ugliest part of your body ?


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Aug 04, 2009 8:20 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Sun Feb 16, 2003 7:29 pm
Posts: 9646
15. top player[s] must rake in a minimum of $10 million per annum endorsing shoes



dipshit wrote:
...I go to the dentist and get 30 hits of hydr.ocodone for my pain...check out some MILFs ...

still have a few vikes left from my last episode of the dentist never stops ... and shouldn't that be msilf

_________________
Image


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Aug 05, 2009 10:44 am 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Thu Mar 05, 2009 5:48 pm
Posts: 22843
Location: Somewhere in time
Beer has got the same impact and tastes better than pills. I'm playing football - or soccer as you funny Americans say - for more than 40 years and it's great ! Best sport.[/quote]

Sorry my foreign friend...no sport for you...it is a great athletic activity though!


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Aug 05, 2009 12:38 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Tue Apr 04, 2006 10:21 am
Posts: 5368
Location: Rhineland
Okay, if only American sports count I suppose real sports need a cheesy organ that's played in the background while somebody shoots a puck or a ball (rule 16).

_________________
What's the ugliest part of your body ?


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Aug 05, 2009 1:15 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Thu Mar 05, 2009 5:48 pm
Posts: 22843
Location: Somewhere in time
My_Name_Is_Fritz wrote:
Okay, if only American sports count I suppose real sports need a cheesy organ that's played in the background while somebody shoots a puck or a ball (rule 16).


Foreign sports are allowed, rule #5 the game must either be American by birth or America must have stolen it from its birth nation (goodbye rugby, cricket, running with the bulls and karate). Soccer although popular in the US, has never been claimed (or stolen)...LOL...and ultimately who gives a fuck anyway...lol.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Aug 05, 2009 8:45 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sat Nov 22, 2008 8:22 pm
Posts: 2270
Plook wrote:
My_Name_Is_Fritz wrote:
Okay, if only American sports count I suppose real sports need a cheesy organ that's played in the background while somebody shoots a puck or a ball (rule 16).


Foreign sports are allowed, rule #5 the game must either be American by birth or America must have stolen it from its birth nation (goodbye rugby, cricket, running with the bulls and karate). Soccer although popular in the US, has never been claimed (or stolen)...LOL...and ultimately who gives a fuck anyway...lol.


Fritz, we also need to have cheerleaders (oops, I mean dance teams) shooting t-shirts into the stands with air guns, silly mascots, giant scoreboards telling us when to cheer, and ridiculous halftime shows to keep us entertained. God, if we Americans didn't have all this (bogus) pomp smothering our sports I don't think anybody would bother to show up. Also, if you're an American I think you are required by law to have Dale Earnhardt's number on the back window of your car. For you non-americans Dale Earnhardt was a race car driver who died when his car crashed 10 years ago or so because well, he was driving a race car real fast and it crashed. Anyway, for some reason he is probably the most popular person in America.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Aug 05, 2009 8:51 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Sat Oct 19, 2002 10:56 pm
Posts: 3309
Location: Aotearoa NZ
Pig Hunting ~

:roll:

_________________
Image


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Aug 05, 2009 10:00 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Mon Apr 03, 2006 9:28 pm
Posts: 2793
Location: in the tiny dirt somewhere
stride wrote:
Pig Hunting ~

:roll:

Okay: but only if it's a Spider Pig...

Image

_________________
_________________Image


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat Aug 08, 2009 6:32 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Sun Feb 16, 2003 7:29 pm
Posts: 9646
plook wrote:
8. Women can't be good at it (This kills softball, volleyball, roller derby and tennis)
does that mean penis gluing is out ¿

_________________
Image


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Aug 13, 2009 7:57 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Thu Mar 05, 2009 5:48 pm
Posts: 22843
Location: Somewhere in time
Yes but we can give it an honorable mention if you like.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Aug 14, 2009 3:53 am 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Mon Oct 24, 2005 2:56 pm
Posts: 4716
Quote:
Also, if you're an American I think you are required by law to have Dale Earnhardt's number on the back window of your car.


Or shaved into your back hair if it's thick enough! :mrgreen:

_________________
Image


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Aug 14, 2009 8:57 am 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Mon Apr 03, 2006 9:28 pm
Posts: 2793
Location: in the tiny dirt somewhere
Hey Stride: you wanna tell your All Blacks that Plook doesn't think rugby is a real sport?

Image

Or ya think he ought to tell them himself?

_________________
_________________Image


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 45 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

All times are UTC - 8 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group