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PostPosted: Sat May 09, 2015 12:42 am 
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The Ballad of a Worthless Generation Umlauter




You awake early one morning, well before 4 in the afternoon, to discover that once again... STILL, you are a 20 something worthless sack of shit scrounging out a living in your mother’s basement; doing a menial job that pays the interest on your student loans for the degree you pursued in Archeological Philosophical Engineering.  As your first step of this glorious new day is taken into a rotten hot pocket you left on the floor from the night before, something strikes you.  Perhaps your life isn't all you were promised it would be.  After all: you did grow up in a world where all the televised cartoons encouraged you to just be yourself and pursue your dreams; the whole world was your oyster!  What they didn't tell you was that the pearl harboured therein would cost you more than you could ever hope to make for the remainder of your sorry days on this planet pursuing naught but your own selfish desires.  Realizing that a certain amount of financial freedom was necessary to ever have a hope of procreating your silly little genes, and adding a scrap of purpose to your worthless, accent hovering above a useful vowel, existence, you determine that today... you will decide upon a concrete plan of action that will propel you out of this shit smelling basement, and up into the sky!  Right after you wash your mouldy pizza pocket feet.

1. If you choose to become a cockroach farmer, turn to page blabitty bee.

2. If you choose to undergo a disturbing amount of soul destroying reconstructive surgery to make yourself more closely resemble a Vespa Crabro (European Hornet) turn to page FUCK YOU ARE RETARTED.

3. If you choose to become a professional wrestler by inventing a totally amazing alternate ego and joining a local amateur circuit, turn to page YOU FUCKING ROCK!

4. If you decide that dealing drugs is the only realistic way of paying off your student loans turn to page JOIN THE HELLS ANGELS AND BECOME A POLICE OFFICER.

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PostPosted: Sat May 09, 2015 12:49 am 
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FOWL wrote:
RETARTED


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PostPosted: Sat May 09, 2015 12:54 am 
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2.Fuck you. You die. Did you really think you could entrust your life to the type of psychopathic surgeon who’d perform that type of lunatic surgery? Of course not.

THE END.

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PostPosted: Sat May 09, 2015 1:13 am 
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WAIT!


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PostPosted: Sat May 09, 2015 1:13 am 
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PostPosted: Sat May 09, 2015 1:47 pm 
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No, it's okay, you can try again, although I'm not sure how well I'm going to be able to concentrate with hot porn like that befuddling my mind!

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PostPosted: Sun May 10, 2015 12:57 am 
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FOWL wrote:
No, it's okay, you can try again

ok...




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PostPosted: Sun May 10, 2015 2:59 am 
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Well, I don't think that that was one of the actual answers provided, but it was a very good try nonetheless!

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PostPosted: Sun May 10, 2015 3:17 am 
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PostPosted: Mon May 11, 2015 12:50 am 
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Tim winked once! Good choice Tim!



You were well trained all those long years securing a masters degree in Archeological Philosophical Engineering. Knowing that the Earth can no longer sustain the infinitely replicating bi-peds (a pedophile looking professor who claimed to be a mathematician explained it to you with an exponential curve that you simply couldn't argue with), and a further ingrained fear is brought into your current stew of internal misery.  If only there was a way to feed all these extra humans, popping out at a rate not measured in the reality of Canada's 1.3 children to 2 adult birth ratio.  No: there has to be a way!  And you know what? As an Archeological Philosophical Engineer, it turns out ONLY YOU have the qualifications to properly assess and solve this global dilemma.  Whipping out your trusty Iphone, so that you don't actually have to get out of bed on this massively productive day, you feverishly research past cultures; the birth of civilization, the first over-crowded mega-cities... how did they survive.....
    Suddenly, the image of the Egyptian scarab appears in all its resonant glory on your 2 rectangular inches screen like a God ascending from the nether-world, and it becomes clear, without any historical data to verify your conclusions, as an engineer, you just KNOW!  They ate bugs.  Fucking right!  You need to disseminate to the greater world the importance of bug farming, and the closest thing to a scarab you have access to, is of course, what are colloquially referred to as Earth Angels because they are so heavenly cute: COCKROACHES!  
    But how does one feed the entire world out of their backyard?  Is it possible?  Or do you need to focus on alternative methods of spreading your Heavenly plague of cockroaches across the land?

15. If you choose to start your very own cockroach farm in your back yard and see how many homeless people you can feed in your own neighbourhood, turn to page LET'S GET TILLIN'!

16. If you choose to first contact a range of governmental services seeking funding for a larger scale industrial style cockroach farm turn to page LET'S GET FORM-FILLIN'

17. If you choose to instead turn your basement into a full scale Earth Angel laboratory and begin experimentation to determine the most scientifically efficient way to feed the world, turn to page LET'S GET SCHILLIN'!    

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PostPosted: Mon May 11, 2015 1:23 am 
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Mr. FOWL,
    After reviewing your work and the data collected at this particular node, I apologize if I was a bit rash. While I maintain that the horseplay should be kept to a minimum,
I commend you for the progress you've made. Keep up the good work, we have chosen this node as the primary subject for Phase 2.

Thank You,
Dr. Maxwell Gireaux


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PostPosted: Mon May 11, 2015 1:42 am 
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Wow Dr. Maxwell! You sound like a right and proper lover of beurocracy, so I'm going to go ahead and hook you up with path 16. for free, no.... don't argue, it's okay. This one is on me!

16. Your formative years of formal education may not have formed you into a particularly useful form, with life skills that would help you to become a contributing member of society, however; if they taught you anything at all it was how to fill out government forms! Oh lordy do you know how to form some forms! Just the amount of paper-work involved in signing away the disposable income for the remainder of your working life in exchange for the loans required to work in the first place kept you inside and unable to secure a summer job at the completion of high school. But all your endless hours were worth it as you figured out a way to reduce the interest rate by .1% in exchange for the deed to your first born child. Joke's on them! No-one would ever want to procreate with a Philisophical Archeological Engineer! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Anyways, there you are, filling out forms like a literate enraged banshee. The room vibrates with the screech of your pen across reams of paper. This is exciting isn't it? You begin to zone into your words, into the numerology beyond the filing systems of the paper. Form 7298-92-7853A begins to fade into translucency, you see through into the inter-dimensional beurocracy. That's it! Government exists within the plane of the 6th dimension! They are extra dimensional beings tied to our reality through reams of inter-connected paper work. Without it they don't exist here, like lattice work threads tying a portal to our reality open, their claws reach through the forms to claw at your wallet. Jokes on them again, it's empty! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
But seriously now, what you've discovered has some serious and deep implications. It might be possible to find the correct sequence of forms to close this portal to the 6th dimension and free humanity from governmental inter-dimensional control. Without forms, these beings cannot exist on the 3rd dimensional plane. What a connundrum!

86. If you choose to seek out an end to 6th dimensional forms as a means of eradicating your endlessly increasing student debt turn to page......EARTHLY REVOLUTION!

87. If you instead choose to remember that without these inter-dimensional beings you wouldn't have been capable of paying for the incredible knowledge that lead you to understand the importance of Earth Angel farming in the first place, turn to page.......KNOW YOUR PLACE.

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PostPosted: Tue May 12, 2015 12:13 am 
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PostPosted: Tue May 12, 2015 1:02 am 
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86. You tear through the paper-work with a righteous fury. Yes! Finally your life has purpose, has meaning! Enough with the tyrannical rule of law! The body poly-tic has been leeching off the human blood stream for far too long. Never again shall they exert their Satanic control upon the third dimension! How dare they! With renewed vigour, you begin to track the form numbers you've accrued. You start clerically aligning all the forms alpha-numerically, seeking out the pattern. The great pattern that if discovered could shatter their portal into our pockets. The numbers line up, and space out before your eyes. Potentially... if you could just see past the fine-print.... squint... YES! You can see it! If you could find just the right mistakes to make on EACH form, just the right letter out of place, the incorrect number linking back to the next form, in just the right order, if all filed at once, could coalesce into a beurocratic bar across their entry-way to Earth. You just need someone with a bit more experience with form filing, someone trained to really see THE BIG PICTURE. You know, a lawyer. You scan the phone book and come across and EXTREMELY impressive ad for a surprisingly muscular lawyer by the name of Sal Cumberbund. Wow he looks buff. "Excellent!" You think, "he'll be able to handle any of the unexpected wrenches thrown into our action-packed crack down on this inter-dimensional conspiracy!" You hastily toss your mountain of documents into your beloved child-hood wagon sill filled with "Have you seen...." posters with your father's face on them left over from childhood. Plastering them across your community was a favoured child-hood activity of yours, to no avail of course, but at least it allowed you to feel somehow connected to your absentee daddy. With mounds of paper-work and adequate transportation secured, you race off towards the town center where Sal does his dirty business.
Unable to bring your wagon up the stairs to his office with you, a sharp sense of paranoia sets in. What if they find your stack of tyranny destroying ammunition? ANYONE could be in the employ of these mega-dimensional demons! One tossed match and all your immense minutes of work could go up in flames. LITERAL FLAMES! Earth Angels started you down this path to ultimate universal freedom, and they shall be your greatest allies along this path. Aside from Sal of course. You spot a cockroach infested dumpster into which you dump the entirety of your wagon documents. They shalt protect my findings with the entirety of their incredible hive mind! Or whatever, you think.
Kicking open the door, you fly up the stairs and barrel forth into the lobby.
"I need to see Sal!" you spurt towards the general direction of the secretary, "So many documents.... bringing down the government!"
"Look child, " she states politely, with a hint of concern and annoyance, "Sal's time is extremely costly. Are you able to pay $800 for an hour's consultation? If not, I'd highly recommend you go see him at the legal assistance clinic across town. He spends afternoons there every Wednesday. " You pause... can this be? Could you be able to take down the power structure for FREE! You just have 2 days to wait. All the tyrannical theft and bullying, over. With one simple visit to a legal clinic. Your face crinkles up in thought. She sees your hint of uncertainty and adds helpfully, "It's a wonderful program which can do wonders for at risk youth like yourself. We truly are lucky they are still receiving support from both federal and provincial funding."
What... can you utilize tax dollars to destroy the tax boogey man? If the government is able to help you bring itself down, is it really that bad? Where does the evil aspects of power begin, and the loving hand of the daddy you never knew end? Your mind flips into a sixth dimensional beurocratic loop, and bursts the integrity of your skulls structure. You brain now paints the walls of Sal the Solicitor's office.

FACE PALM!!

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PostPosted: Tue May 12, 2015 1:28 am 
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87. REALISM
The Realism of which we speak--a generic term which we understand as inclusive of the various forms of "naturalism" and "positivism"--is in its simplest form, the doctrine that was popularized precisely under the name of "Nihilism" by Turgenev in Fathers and Sons. The figure of Bazarov in that novel is the type of the "new man" of the sixties' in Russia, simple-minded materialists and determinists, who seriously thought (like D. Pisarev) to find the salvation of mankind in the dissection of the frog, or thought they had proved the non-existence of the human soul by failing to find it in the course of an autopsy. (One is reminded of the Soviet Nihilists, the "new men" of our own 'sixties,' who fail to find God in outer space.) This "Nihilist" is the man who respects nothing, bows before no authority, accepts (so he thinks) nothing on faith, judges all in the light of a science taken as absolute and exclusive truth, rejects all idealism and abstraction in favor of the concrete and factual. He is the believer, in a word, in the "nothing-but, in the reduction of everything men have considered "higher," the things of the mind and spirit, to the lower or "basic": matter, sensation, the physical.

As opposed to Liberal vagueness, the Realist world-view seems perfectly clear and straightforward. In place of agnosticism or an evasive deism, there is open atheism; in place of vague "higher values," naked materialism and self-interest. All is clarity in the Realist universe--except what is most important and most requires clarity: its beginning and end. Where the Liberal is vague about ultimate things, the Realist is childishly naive: they simply do not exist for him; nothing exists but what is most obvious.

Such Realism, of course, is a self-contradiction, whether it takes the form of a "naturalism" that tries to establish an absolute materialism and determinism, or a "positivism" that purports to deny the absolute altogether, or the doctrinaire "agnosticism" that so readily discourses on the "unknowability" of ultimate reality; we have already discussed this problem in Section I of this chapter. But argument, of course, is purely academic in view of the fact that Realism, a logical self-contradiction, is not properly treated as a philosophy at all. It is the naive, undisciplined thought of the unreflective, practical man who, in our age of oversimplification, thinks to impose his simple-minded standards and ideas upon the entire world; or, on a slightly different level, the equally naive thought of the scientist, bound to the obvious by the requirements of his specialty, when he illegitimately attempts to extend scientific criteria beyond their proper bounds. In the latter sense it is, to adopt a useful distinction,[9] "scientism" as opposed to legitimate science; for it must be understood that our remarks here are not directed against science itself, but against the improper exploitation of its standards and methods that is so common today...

Up to this point, however, we have failed properly to distinguish the second stage of Nihilism from its first. Most Liberals, too, accept science as exclusive truth; wherein does the Realist differ from them? The difference is not so much one of doctrine--Realism is in a sense merely disillusioned and systematized Liberalism--as one of emphasis and motivation. The Liberal is indifferent to absolute truth, an attitude resulting from excessive attachment to this world; with the Realist, on the other hand, indifference to truth becomes hostility, and mere attachment to the world becomes fanatical devotion to it. Those extreme consequences must have a more acute cause.

The Realist himself would say that this cause is the love of truth itself, which forbids belief in a "higher truth" that is no more than fantasy. Nietzsche, in fact, while believing this, saw in it a Christian quality that had turned against Christianity. "The sense of truth, highly developed through Christianity, ultimately revolts against the falsehood and fictitiousness of all Christian interpretations of the world and its history."[11] Understood in proper context, there is an insight--though partial and distorted--in these words. Nietzsche, most immediately, was rebelling against a Christianity that had been considerably diluted by Liberal humanism, a Christianity in which uncompromising love of and loyalty to absolute truth were rare if not entirely absent, a Christianity which had become no more than a moral idealism tinged with aesthetic sentiment. The Russian "Nihilists," similarly, were in revolt against the romantic idealism of "superfluous men" who dwelled in a nebulous realm of fantasy and escape divorced from any kind of reality, spiritual or worldly. Christian Truth is as remote from such pseudo-spirituality as is Nihilist realism. Both Christian and Realist are possessed of a love of truth, a will not to be deceived, a passion for getting to the root of things and finding their ultimate cause; both reject as unsatisfying any argument that does not refer to some absolute that itself needs no justification; both are the passionate enemies of the frivolity of a Liberalism that refuses to take ultimate things seriously and will not see human life as the solemn undertaking that it is. It is precisely this love of truth that will frustrate the attempt of Liberals to preserve ideas and institutions in which they do not fully believe, and which have no foundation in absolute truth. What is truth?--to the person for whom this is a vital, burning question, the compromise of Liberalism and humanism becomes impossible; he who once and with his whole being has asked this question can never again be satisfied with what the world is content to take in place of truth...

If the Realist, therefore, shares in common with the Christian a single-mindedness and earnestness that is totally foreign to the Liberal mentality, it is only the better to join in the Liberal's attack on Christian Truth, and to carry out that attack to its conclusion: the total abolition of Christian Truth. What began half-heartedly in Liberalism has gathered momentum in Realism and now presses to its catastrophic end. Nietzsche foresaw in our century "the triumph of Nihilism"; Jacob Burkhardt, that disillusioned Liberal, saw in it the advent of an age of dictators who would be "terribles simplificateurs." In Lenin and Stalin, Hitler and Mussolini, with their radically "simple" solutions for the most complex of problems, the fulfillment of this prediction in the political realm has been well begun. More profoundly, Nihilist "simplification" may be seen in the universal prestige today accorded the lowest order of knowledge, the scientific, as well as the simplistic ideas of men like Marx, Freud, and Darwin, which underlie virtually the whole of contemporary thought and life.

We say "life," for it is important to see that the Nihilist history of our century has not been something imposed from without or above, or at least has not been predominantly this; it has rather presupposed, and drawn its nourishment from, a Nihilist soil that has long been preparing in the hearts of the people. It is precisely from the Nihilism of the commonplace, from the everyday Nihilism revealed in the life and thought and aspiration of the people, that all the terrible events of our century have sprung. The world-view of Hitler is very instructive in this regard, for in him the most extreme and monstrous Nihilism rested upon the foundation of a quite unexceptional and even typical Realism. He shared the common faith in "science," "progress," and "enlightenment" (though not, of course, in "democracy"), together with a practical materialism that scorned all theology, metaphysics, and any thought or action concerned with any other world than the "here and now," priding himself on the fact that he had "the gift of reducing all problems to their simplest foundations."[12] He had a crude worship of efficiency and utility that freely tolerated "birth control," laughed at the institution of marriage as a mere legalization of a sexual impulse that should be "free," welcomed sterilization of the unfit, despised "unproductive elements" such as monks, saw nothing in the cremation of the dead but a "practical" question and did not even hesitate to put the ashes, or the skin and fat, of the dead to "productive use." He possessed the quasi-anarchist distrust of sacred and venerable institutions, in particular the Church with its "superstitions" and all its "outmoded" laws and ceremonies. (We have already had occasion to note his abhorrence of the institution of Monarchy, a determining factor in his refusal to assume the Imperial tide.) He had a naive trust in the "natural mom, the "healthy animal" who scorns the Christian virtues--virginity in particular--that impede the "natural functioning" of the body. He took a simple-minded delight in modern conveniences and machines, and especially in the automobile and the sense of speed and "freedom" it affords.

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PostPosted: Tue May 12, 2015 3:32 am 
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Are you sure?


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PostPosted: Tue May 12, 2015 4:03 am 
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of course not.


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PostPosted: Tue May 12, 2015 5:16 pm 
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People who post endlessly long texts on message boards are narcissistic assholes. You don't actually expect me to read all that do you?

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PostPosted: Tue May 12, 2015 5:47 pm 
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Can an asshole really be in love with itself?


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PostPosted: Tue May 12, 2015 6:42 pm 
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Do a pope shit in dee woods?

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PostPosted: Tue May 12, 2015 6:51 pm 
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If no one is there to smell it, does it still stink?


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PostPosted: Wed May 13, 2015 2:25 am 
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He who smelt it.... dealt it.

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PostPosted: Wed May 13, 2015 2:41 am 
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ok, are we ready to put this baby to bed?


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PostPosted: Wed May 13, 2015 3:40 am 
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Can we have ice cream first?


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PostPosted: Wed May 13, 2015 3:43 am 
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let THEM eat cake.
let US eat ice cream.


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