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PostPosted: Thu Nov 08, 2007 2:55 pm 
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Due to the porting over of the topic from the old board, it's starting to have blank pages. So the ever popular Advice Corner has moved to this brand new spiffy thread.

A question was asked, from RUI, in the last thread. It was: What do you do with an unwanted bowl of cereal?

Well first, you would have to question your motivation in pouring said bowl of cereal. What was your meaning behind it? What caused you to do it? But as for the aftermath, when it's unwanted - take it to your local Humane Society, where if it's uneaten within two days, it's euthanized.

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PostPosted: Thu Nov 08, 2007 5:14 pm 
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What would do for a 11 year old daschund who cronically wets her bed?

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PostPosted: Thu Nov 08, 2007 5:26 pm 
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URGENT: Calvin, how do you sharpen a dull pair of poodle clippers?!?

Thanks!


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 08, 2007 5:31 pm 
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SwaggartDecisions wrote:
URGENT: Calvin, how do you sharpen a dull pair of poodle clippers?!?

Thanks!


You have to buy my patented Calvin Super Sharp Scissors Sharpening Strop, especially made for these delicate situations!

And believe it or not, it will cure your asthma too!!!!!

Only 69.95 boy, give it a try!

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PostPosted: Thu Nov 08, 2007 7:06 pm 
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Dear Calvin,

I think my computer room is haunted. Late at night, when I'm online, I feel a presence in the room accompanied by a sickly perfume smell.

What should I do?

Pestered in Puxatawny

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PostPosted: Fri Nov 09, 2007 12:05 pm 
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Dear Perplexed:

Let me say up front: I tend to not believe in ghosts. But, in this case I would say:

Sell your house and all your belongings. Move to Eastern East Timor and burn all your clothes and roll in the dirt for 4 hours a day for 4 weeks. Maybe, MAYBE then this spirit will decide to leave. The sign is a hoagie delivered to you on the second day before a full moon.

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PostPosted: Fri Nov 09, 2007 1:11 pm 
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Dear Calvin,

I think my cat and dog are having an affair. When one goes outside to take a leak, the other mysteriously disappears too. How do you feel about inter-species relationships?

Very truly yours,

AtLeastLetMeWatch

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PostPosted: Fri Nov 09, 2007 2:12 pm 
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feetlightup wrote:
Dear Calvin,

I think my cat and dog are having an affair. When one goes outside to take a leak, the other mysteriously disappears too. How do you feel about inter-species relationships?

Very truly yours,

AtLeastLetMeWatch


Well, I have nothing against interracial relationships. My first wife and I were an interracial couple. I was human, and hahahahahahaha, that's too funny.

But anyway - I wouldn't be too worried. Cats and dogs worry each other. Maybe the cat is hanging out somewhere else, shooting pool, swimming, baccarat, that kind of thing, relaxing while the dog is out, and vice-versa. If they are having a relationship, try to break it up gently. A hose works well.

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PostPosted: Fri Nov 09, 2007 2:16 pm 
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 09, 2007 6:13 pm 
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Hej Calvin!

Hur ska man övertyga en människa att det faktiskt går att äta champinjoner på burk ?

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PostPosted: Fri Nov 09, 2007 6:44 pm 
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jimmy "the hindu&q wrote:
Hej Calvin!

Hur ska man övertyga en människa att det faktiskt går att äta champinjoner på burk ?


How ska husband convince a mans that the really am going that eats mushroom on jar?

Time and patience. That's all it takes.

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PostPosted: Fri Nov 09, 2007 8:17 pm 
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SPACEBROTHER wrote:
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Thats just plain wrong!!!!!!!!!

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PostPosted: Fri Nov 09, 2007 8:48 pm 
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Dear Calvin,

I found a 22 foot long tapeworm in my stomach. What should I do?

RN

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PostPosted: Fri Nov 09, 2007 9:39 pm 
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Ronny's Noomies wrote:
Dear Calvin,

I found a 22 foot long tapeworm in my stomach. What should I do?

RN


Throw it away. They're obsolete right now. DVDworms are much better, and, if you can afford it, Blu-Rayworms and HD-DVDworms are the shiznit.

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PostPosted: Sat Nov 10, 2007 7:48 am 
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Thanks dude, knew I could count on you. Now, if only I could grab the head with these tongs.....

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Everytime we picked a booger we'd flip it on this one winduh. Every night we'd contribute, 2, 3, 4 boogers. We had to use a putty knife, man, to get them damn things off the winduh. There was some goober ones that weren't even hard...


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 10, 2007 8:25 am 
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barf out! gag yourself with a spoon!


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 10, 2007 4:11 pm 
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jimmy "the hindu&q wrote:
Hej Calvin!
Hur ska man övertyga en människa att det faktiskt går att äta champinjoner på burk?

calvin2hikers wrote:
How ska husband convince a mans that the really am going that eats mushroom on jar?

Time and patience. That's all it takes.


I'll give you an F for that translation, Kalle.

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PostPosted: Sat Nov 10, 2007 8:27 pm 
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Dear Calvin,

I find myself addicted to advice columns in newspapers and on the internet, finding happiness and laughter in the misery of others.

Does this make me a bad person?

Concerned in Cucamonga

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PostPosted: Sat Nov 10, 2007 8:54 pm 
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Kayak wrote:
Dear Calvin,

I find myself addicted to advice columns in newspapers and on the internet, finding happiness and laughter in the misery of others.

Does this make me a bad person?

Concerned in Cucamonga


What the Germans call Shedanfraud, or Sheudenfraude, or whatever (apparently I'm not good at translating shit), is what the internet was created for. You can sit behind a computer screen and make fun of people all day, and nobody will know how you really feel! Nobody knows that I'm only 13, having started on here when I was 9. It's fun to pretend!

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PostPosted: Sun Nov 11, 2007 10:04 am 
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Dear Cal,

I happen to know for a fact that Nooms is lying about the tapeworm. It's not 22 feet long as he states, but rather a mere 19 feet, 3 inches. In other words, not a big deal. I've read on the internet that 19 foot plus tapeworms are quite common and nothing to be alarmed about. He's lying because its his way of getting attention, of having to be at the center of everything. What can we do about this?

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PostPosted: Sun Nov 11, 2007 10:08 am 
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sleeping in a jar wrote:
Dear Cal,

I happen to know for a fact that Nooms is lying about the tapeworm. It's not 22 feet long as he states, but rather a mere 19 feet, 3 inches. In other words, not a big deal. I've read on the internet that 19 foot plus tapeworms are quite common and nothing to be alarmed about. He's lying because its his way of getting attention, of having to be at the center of everything. What can we do about this?


How do you solve a problem like Noomies? How do you hold the sun and pin it down? A flibbertygibbet, a will-o-the-wisp, a clown? Many a thing you know you'd like to tell him.

So yeah, that's a fucking hard question.

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PostPosted: Sun Nov 11, 2007 2:27 pm 
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calvin2hikers wrote:

How do you solve a problem like Noomies? How do you hold the sun and pin it down? A flibbertygibbet, a will-o-the-wisp, a clown? Many a thing you know you'd like to tell him.

So yeah, that's a fucking hard question.



:cry: >sniff< Thanks man, I knew you'd understand...it's just that...he's so damn difficult sometimes...:cry:

And it's so totally awesome that you can come up with spontaneous poetry like that...you are truly blessed.

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PostPosted: Sun Nov 11, 2007 6:23 pm 
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Cal, How do you read? As in, what are the neccessary skills involved in truly reading?


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 11, 2007 9:23 pm 
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Lumpy Gravy wrote:
jimmy "the hindu&q wrote:
Hej Calvin!
Hur ska man övertyga en människa att det faktiskt går att äta champinjoner på burk?

calvin2hikers wrote:
How ska husband convince a mans that the really am going that eats mushroom on jar?

Time and patience. That's all it takes.


I'll give you an F for that translation, Kalle.


Correct translation( i think?) : How could you convince a person that you CAN actually eat mushrooms from a jar ?

..but close calvin :wink:

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PostPosted: Mon Nov 12, 2007 1:03 pm 
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Dear Calvin,

I would like to increase the energy efficiency of my home, but don't have the money to insulate. A friend told me that furry roadkill works really well, but I don't like the smell of dead skunk.

What would you suggest?

Drafty in Des Moines

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