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A little Irish boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.

He came up to the doorstep of 'a house of ill repute' and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, '’I want to have sex with one of the women inside.
I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.”

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.
Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'

Of course the Madam said, 'No'.

The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber -
THAT'S the girl I want.'

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked,
'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease,
instead of one of the others?'

He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home,
my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.
After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys.
She will then get the disease that I just caught.
When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick who ran over my FROG!'

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Stay with me flagrantly and we'll have ecstasy for all eternity.

All thumbs?

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I'm getting larger as I walk away.

Warning: These jokes may offend you.


Really! Guaranteed to offend most right-thinking people.


Scroll past now, they are baaaaaaad jokes!!!


I warned you. I WARNED YOU!!!

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Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans. I said, "Fuck that - knowing my luck, I'd win one!"



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What's the difference between an illegal Mexican and ET?

ET looked better, smelled better, learned English, didn't claim benefits, had his own fucking bike , and wanted to go home!

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A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed.

The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.

A moment of silence passes and the guy says, "I can't believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!"

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Got this text from my brother recently.

It read. "Can I stay at your house for a while?

The ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock.

It just reaches the back of her sister's throat!"

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* Was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!"

Thinking back, I really should have ran - but you don't get offers like that every day.

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Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the fuck out of this idiot at a party. In my defense, when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.

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My wife just came in and said, "I don't know if I am coming or going.

"I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face, you're going - 'cus when you're coming, you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!"

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I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I fucked a girl called Penny - is that spooky or what?

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The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?" Apparently " Only to stop myself from coming too quickly " wasn't the right answer.

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Stay with me flagrantly and we'll have ecstasy for all eternity.

Yasser Arafat was asked why he always has a tea towel on his head.
"Well, a dish washer is too heavy..."

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The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true Art and Science. - Albert Einstein

Nnnnope... not working.

What do you call a cow with one leg?



Lean beef.

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What so you call a woman when one of her legs legs is shorter than the other?
Ilene.

Non-pc version:

What do you call an Asian woman when one of her legs legs is shorter than the other?
Irene.

Then there's the whole bagful of 'no arms and no legs' jokes that I learned at my mother's knee.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs buried in a pile of leaves?

Russell.

And so it goes...

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When the going gets weird the weird turn pro - HST

Miasma!

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The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true Art and Science. - Albert Einstein

Husband says to wife, "My London Olympic condoms have arrived... I think I'll wear Gold tonight."


Wife replies, "Why not wear Silver and come second for a change."

An Australian television show that reports on farming issues had
heard about a farmer who claimed to have discovered an explanation for Mad Cow Disease.

A reporter was sent out to interview him and research his theory. The interview went as follows:

Lady reporter:
"We have heard you may have information on the possible source of Mad Cow Disease.

The farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"

Reporter(obviously embarrassed): "Well, sir, I have to admit that I was not aware of this fact, but what's that got to do with Mad Cow disease?"

Farmer: "Well, madam, do you know that cows get milked twice a day?"

Reporter: "Yes Sir, I did know that, what's your point?"

Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day...and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't that drive you mad?"

LMAO, .

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I'm getting larger as I walk away.

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.
As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the very attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down to where the elderly man is standing.

'Yes?' she inquires with a wide smile, 'May I help you sir?' The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, 'I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand jobs around here?' She looks into his wrinkled blue eyes and purrs, 'Yes sir, I sure am.'

The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly:
'Well then, be sure to wash your hands properly, because I want a cheeseburger.'

Do infants have as much fun with infancy as adults do with adultery?

Does The Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns,do the rest drown,too?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Can an atheist get insurance against an act of god?

If you spin an oriental man three times real fast in a circle does he become disorienated?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-thru bank machines?

If the police arrest a mime,do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Daddy,Daddy,Daddy,when will we get there?

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I'm getting larger as I walk away.

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"Why do people say "Grow some balls"? Balls are weak and sensitive! If you really wanna get tough, grow a vagina! Those things take a pounding"! -- Betty White

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How do you make your wife scream while you're having sex?

Call her and tell her where your at.

When the blonde wife of a brunette husband gave birth to a redhead, the husband suspected she had cheated on him. He went to a specialist who asked him, "How often do you two have sex?" He replied,"Well, we used to do it all the time, but now it's maybe just once ortwice a year." The doctor responded, "Ah, that explains it. You're just rusty!"

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Two lawyers sat down at a bar and ordered drinks. Soon, they tooksandwiches from their briefcases and started eating. The bartender said,"Excuse me, gentlemen, but you can't eat your own sandwiches inhere!" The lawyers shrugged and exchanged sandwiches.

Whenever I'm bored, I like to text a random number, saying, "I hid the body. Now what?"

My Jehovah's witness friend told me a knock, knock joke. He was so annoyed when I ignored him!

I don't get this one...
After living in their house for four years, a couple was transferred out of state. The husband backed the U-Haul truck up to the garage so they could load all their stuff when a neighbor walked across the lawn with a plate of muffins. "Isn't that thoughtful?" he told his wife, "Theymust realize all our kitchen stuff is packed." The neighbor stuck out his hand and boomed, "Welcome to the neighborhood!"

A blonde got carried away at the pet store and bought a hundred tropical fish. But her fish tank was so small,she had to put them in the bathtub. She invited a friend over to see her beautiful new fish. He was impressed. "They're beautiful, but what will you do when you want to take a bath?" "Oh, I already thought of that.I'll just blindfold them!"

My wife got mad at me yesterday; I put a stick in our non-stick pan.

Things have really changed over the generations. In 1930, only 24% of men kissed their wife goodbye when they left the house. Now, 80% of men kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wife!

"Doc, I'm having problems with premature ejaculation. Can you help me?" The doctor responded, "Sure. Whenever you feel like you're getting close, startle yourself." On his way home, Don bought a starter's pistol and, excited to try this new tact, called his wife and told her to "get ready!" Racing into the bedroom, Don saw his wife, naked on the bed, writhing and waiting. Soon they were 69ing, but Don felt those urges again, so he fired off his new starter's pistol. The next day, he was back in his doctor's office. "So? How did it go?" He answered, "Not so well, doc. When I fired the pistol, my wife bit my d¡ck and my neighbor came out of our closet with his hands in the air!"

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The neighbor thought they were moving in...it's a dig on community apathy.

The dalai lama walks into a pizza shop and says, "can you make me one with everything"?

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"Why do people say "Grow some balls"? Balls are weak and sensitive! If you really wanna get tough, grow a vagina! Those things take a pounding"! -- Betty White

Better than the joke is the reporter trying to tell the Dalai the joke:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlIrI80og8c

Stolen from YT:

Dalai lama orders a 5$ hot-dog pays with a 10$ bill

Dalai Lama waits for his change but the change never comes

Dalai Lama is like:

"HEY MAN! where is my change?"

and the waiter says:

"Change must come from within!"

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The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true Art and Science. - Albert Einstein