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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 06, 2012 8:51 am 
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Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed
to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request.
One young chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the
top of his voice "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's
career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then
goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.
When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts "No, no, play a jazz
chord, play a jazz chord."

A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is,
dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B
flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.
The crowd goes ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical
expertise.

But, still the young Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no.
Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord…"

Stevie is really annoyed now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate
his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage " OK - smart arse,
you get up here and do it."

The young bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the microphone and
starts to sing............
"A jazz chord to say, I ruv you... "

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 06, 2012 8:56 am 
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An anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder.

The elder indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.

Somewhat sceptical, the anthropologist expressed his doubts.

The elder looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you… with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Dec 08, 2012 4:14 pm 
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My son has taken up meditation. I guess it's better than sitting around doing nothing.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Dec 08, 2012 6:17 pm 
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calvin2hikers wrote:
My son has taken up meditation. I guess it's better than sitting around doing nothing.

It's called the Om sweet Om syndrome. :mrgreen:

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Dec 08, 2012 6:39 pm 
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KAPT.KIIRK wrote:
calvin2hikers wrote:
My son has taken up meditation. I guess it's better than sitting around doing nothing.

It's called the Om sweet Om syndrome. :mrgreen:


I went in to the dentist for a filling, and he tried to shoot me up with novocaine. I said I wanted to transcend dental medication.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Dec 08, 2012 8:26 pm 
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calvin2hikers wrote:
KAPT.KIIRK wrote:
calvin2hikers wrote:
My son has taken up meditation. I guess it's better than sitting around doing nothing.

It's called the Om sweet Om syndrome. :mrgreen:


I went in to the dentist for a filling, and he tried to shoot me up with novocaine. I said I wanted to transcend dental medication.

I asked the pizza guy to make me one with everything.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Dec 08, 2012 8:34 pm 
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just plain doug wrote:
I asked the pizza guy to make me one with everything.


I used to work at a grocery store, and a women came in asking for tampax. I thought she said thumbtacks and asked her "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the one that you nail in with a hammer?"

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Dec 08, 2012 11:17 pm 
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calvin2hikers wrote:
just plain doug wrote:
I asked the pizza guy to make me one with everything.


I used to work at a grocery store, and a women came in asking for tampax. I thought she said thumbtacks and asked her "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the one that you nail in with a hammer?"

When I worked at a pharkmacy, a Scotsman came in and asked how much to buy a condom. I said "50 cents plus tax" and he said "Never mind the tacks. I'll just use a wee bit o' string."

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Dec 09, 2012 10:37 am 
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just plain doug wrote:
When I worked at a pharkmacy, a Scotsman came in and asked how much to buy a condom. I said "50 cents plus tax" and he said "Never mind the tacks. I'll just use a wee bit o' string."


A string walks into a bar. The bartender says "we don't serve strings in here." So the string goes outside, ruffles up his appearance, and ties himself into a bow. The string goes back into the bar, and the bartender says "Hey! Didn't I tell you that we don't serve strings here?!?" The string says "I'm a frayed knot."

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2012 1:22 pm 
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^ Oh wise guys,eh? ^ :mrgreen: Here's an oldy but goody.

In his last year as pResident,pResident George Bush was visiting a primary school.One of the classes was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.The teacher asked if the pResident if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy".
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a tradgedy.Little Jimmy stood up and offered,"If my best friend,who lives on a farm,is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him,that would be a tragedy.
"No," said Bush,"that would be an accident."
Little Susy raised her hand: "If a school bus carring 50 children drove over a cliff,killing everyone inside,that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not." explained the pResident."That's what we would call a great loss."
The room went silent.
No other children volunteered.
Bush searched the room.
"Isn't there someone who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back or the room little Johnny raises his hand.In a quiet voice he said: "If the Air Force One carrying Mr. and Mrs.Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens,that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "Thats right.And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well,"says little Johnny,"it has to be a tragedy,because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and probably wouldn't be an accident either."

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Dec 12, 2012 4:49 am 
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My buddy complained about how much his wedding is going to cost. Wait until he learns how much his divorce will cost!

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Dec 23, 2012 9:16 pm 
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Airbus have just announced thier latest aeroplane is so advanced it can be flown by one pilot and a dog, the pilot is there to feed the dog, the dog is there to bite the pilot if he touches anything........


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jan 02, 2013 2:06 pm 
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They just recently found over 200 dead crows near Halifax, N.S., and there was concern that they may have died from the Avian Flu virus.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief.

However, he was also able to determine that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with large trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact.

The Province of Nova Scotia hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine the disproportionate percentages for the large truck versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in short order. When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out Crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say "Cah", but he could not say "Truck."
Now you know!

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jan 09, 2013 8:59 am 
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A house painter named Macgregor was always very interested in saving a penny where he could,

so he would add water and thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. He got away with this for

some time.



The local Baptist congregation decided to restore the outside of their church and called for bids.

Macgregor put in his bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job. He set about erecting the

scaffolding, setting up planks and buying paint. And, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning the paint down with

water.

Well, he was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when there was a horrendous

clap of thunder, the sky opened, and rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all of the church.

He slipped on the wet scaffolding and fell to the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by puddles of

thinned and useless paint.


Realizing this must be a judgment from the Almighty, he got down on his knees and cried out,

"Oh Lord, forgive me! What should I do?"

The thunder ceased and a mighty voice shaking the very ground spoke to Macgregor,

"Repaint… and thin no more!"

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2013 6:27 pm 
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Mark was lying in bed with his new Thai girlfriend in a hotel in the Thai resort of Phuket.

After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing Mark's testicles - something she loved to do.

As Mark was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that so much?"

"Because", she replied, "I really miss mine."

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Jan 14, 2013 2:13 pm 
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Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's
forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "Ar've got everythin' organised
awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister,
even ma stag night".

Archie nods approvingly.

"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that.What's the
tartan?...."

"Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white.”

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Jan 17, 2013 9:12 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Jan 18, 2013 5:26 pm 
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You Got ‘a Be Shittin’ Me

Well, it just so happens to have originated through George Washington around the time he was crossing the Delaware river with his troops.

There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about. Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth. Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on. An hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.'

They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters.'

And the Madam said, 'You got ‘a be shittin’ me.'

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2013 7:44 pm 
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1 . Two blondes walk into a building... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message: ‘If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only food wrap for shorts.
The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man woke up in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
They lit a fire in the craft.
It sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found on the floor of his van covered with whipped cream and hundreds of cherries.
Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like the Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

13. A man took his Rottweiler to the vet.
'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picked the dog up and examined his eyes, then he checked his teeth.
Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy.'

14. Guy goes into the doctor's.
'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.'
The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

21. You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen.
It said, 'Parking Fine.' I thought that was nice.

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go to them anymore.'

23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number will climb.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Feb 03, 2013 4:55 am 
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Two days ago I wouldn't have understood that kayak joke, but I do now! <3

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Feb 04, 2013 7:33 am 
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A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a wall."

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Feb 06, 2013 3:23 pm 
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When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Feb 07, 2013 5:29 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Feb 07, 2013 8:42 pm 
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPyl2tOaKxM


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Feb 08, 2013 11:13 am 
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phydeaux3 wrote:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPyl2tOaKxM


Excellent.

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