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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Jul 08, 2013 4:50 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Jul 09, 2013 1:11 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jul 10, 2013 1:55 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jul 10, 2013 3:16 pm 
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When is 78 > 104?






On a microwave oven...

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jul 10, 2013 4:37 pm 
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MentalTossFlycoon wrote:
When is 78 > 104?






On a microwave oven...



That reminds me of "What goes into 13 two times? Roman Polanski."

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Jul 11, 2013 12:23 am 
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calvin2hikers wrote:
MentalTossFlycoon wrote:
When is 78 > 104?






On a microwave oven...



That reminds me of "What goes into 13 two times? Roman Polanski."

Ba-dum-da-dum. :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Jul 12, 2013 9:51 am 
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Q: What's the hardest part of eating a vegetable?
A: The Wheelchair

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Jul 13, 2013 8:26 am 
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WTF??? HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Jul 13, 2013 12:10 pm 
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Hilarious stuff AGWAW! :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Jul 13, 2013 7:39 pm 
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OMFG!

With all due respect to the people involved in the crash of the Asian airliner in SF last week.....this is just.......well, see for yourself!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WIOiVHnM9Jc

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Jul 16, 2013 1:45 pm 
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Location: Kitchener, Ontario, CANADA
The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did
was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.
But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Screw it, soldier on!”

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face
down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s
serves breakfast until 11:30.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get
her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept
me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful
death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my
sister." "That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see
their own doctor.

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Jul 16, 2013 5:28 pm 
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Two muffins are baking in an oven.
One muffin turns to the other and says,
"Holy shit, it's hot in here!"
The other muffin says, "Holy shit! A talking muffin!"

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Jul 16, 2013 10:57 pm 
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Location: Windsor,Ontario Canada
Pope Jim emailed this to me.

When you are over sixty who gives a crap?



This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

***********
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did all that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
***********
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said,"Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, "Yesterday."

***********
I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
***********
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

When you are over sixty who gives a crap?


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Jul 16, 2013 11:48 pm 
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Trip wrote:
Pope Jim emailed this to me.

The Lantern

Deep In the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I am doing."

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

Whoa there, said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.

"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?

Trip wrote:
Pope Jim emailed this to me.

When you are over sixty who gives a crap?



This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

***********
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did all that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
***********
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said,"Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, "Yesterday."

***********
I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
***********
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

When you are over sixty who gives a crap?



Hey PJ, why don't you post them here and why didn't I get one? :wink: :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jul 17, 2013 11:40 pm 
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Venting...3 1/2 minutes of pure satisfaction:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iB8BYaXlM1s


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Jul 19, 2013 2:06 pm 
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Does anybody know the telephone number of the NSA? My hard disk crashed and i want to ask them to restore my data.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Jul 20, 2013 12:20 am 
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Location: Pouting for you? Punky Meadows, pouting for you?!!

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      Are her tits irrelephant or benephelant?

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Jul 20, 2013 6:48 am 
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Apparently, if the racing commission doesn't like the name of your race-horse, they can tell you to change it...

http://www.tvweek.com/viral-video/5/

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Jul 20, 2013 6:55 am 
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KAPT.KIIRK wrote:
Hey PJ, why don't you post them here and why didn't I get one? :wink: :lol:


!) Didn't think of it.
2) Don't have your e-mail address.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Jul 20, 2013 1:41 pm 
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Anagram Fun:
To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. =
In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Jul 20, 2013 2:12 pm 
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Pope Jim wrote:
KAPT.KIIRK wrote:
Hey PJ, why don't you post them here and why didn't I get one? :wink: :lol:


!) Didn't think of it.
2) Don't have your e-mail address.

!) Oh.
2) Would you like it? I'm a pretty good sounding board for prose jokery, plus I thought it was funny. Anything for a laugh ya know! Anything? Haha! :wink:

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Jul 21, 2013 2:23 am 
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Location: Pouting for you? Punky Meadows, pouting for you?!!
polydigm wrote:

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      Are her tits irrelephant or benephelant?

Okay, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. This was probably the wrong thread for this post because, even though I was trying to make a joke, I was mostly having a go at the ad itself. MTF posted about that deranged license for shooting down drones thing and I followed the link to investigate the article and this ad was over to one side. This is the internet these days I guess, as more and more sites give in to the temptation of advertising dollars.

This ad is an example, admittedly a mild one, of the gonad level standard of advertising these days.

I could't help making the joke, it occurred to me almost instantaneously after seeing the ad.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Jul 21, 2013 2:35 am 
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polydigm wrote:
polydigm wrote:

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      Are her tits irrelephant or benephelant?

Okay, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. This was probably the wrong thread for this post because, even though I was trying to make a joke, I was mostly having a go at the ad itself. MTF posted about that deranged license for shooting down drones thing and I followed the link to investigate the article and this ad was over to one side. This is the internet these days I guess, as more and more sites give in to the temptation of advertising dollars.

This ad is an example, admittedly a mild one, of the gonad level standard of advertising these days.


I could't help making the joke, it occurred to me almost instantaneously after seeing the ad.

Poly, It's not even a "Bad Joke" if you have to explain it. fyi, I belong to the comics club, we had a vote. They told me to tell you. OK? :mrgreen:

Nice Tits!

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Jul 22, 2013 4:59 pm 
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A hungry bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow......
He sits at the counter and notices a Jock with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry bloke bravely asks, "If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?"
The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says, "Nah, ye can gae ahead."
Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.
He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.
The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili back into the bowl.
The old Jock says: "Aye, that's as far as I got too".

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Jul 22, 2013 5:06 pm 
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That's gross! :wink: I like it! :twisted:

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