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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Jul 23, 2013 8:22 am 
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man.....I just ate lunch! lol

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jul 24, 2013 4:19 am 
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Location: Bordeaux, France
Old GranPa was having his 73rd birthday after having heart surgery. Although he still had need for a little oxygen, he was looking well and was at home surrounded by his children and their numerous kids. The family physician was also present as he was a longtime friend and his presence was welcomed by all.

As the party went on, GranPa seemed to become flustered somewhat. One of the daughters got nervous and called the doctor over. He sat down and started taking a pulse when the old man started to become quite agitated. His condition got worse and worse and he suddenly grabbed a piece of paper and a pencil on the table next to his chair, scribbled something, and before anyone could do anything the poor man passed away.

The doctor solemnly took the paper from the man and without reading it folded it in two and placed it in his wallet.

A few days later, at the burial ceremony, after the priest and members of the family had made their speeches, it was the doctors turn to speak. The cemetery went silent as he took the paper that the old man had scribbled before passing away, from his wallet. The children wondered what could have been his last dying words and/or wishes.
The doctor cleared his throat and spoke these words. “You’re sitting on my oxygen tube, you imbicile!”

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Aug 07, 2013 1:17 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Aug 09, 2013 1:10 pm 
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Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get acquainted tour of the White House.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked outgoing President Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal!

That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. “Just think,' he said, 'when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal. But I wouldn't do something so self-indulgent!”

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill:
I found out who pissed in your saxophone.”

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Aug 09, 2013 1:24 pm 
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Location: CT coast, USA
Patient goes in for the results of his biopsy and the doctor says, "Well, I got some good news, and some bad news....which do you want first?"

Patient says, "Oh shit, give me the bad news first."

Doctor says, "Well, it's malignant. I'm gonna give you chemotherapy and radiation, and it's going to make you sick as hell...and you've only got about three months to live."

Patient says, "welllllll, what's the good news?"

Doctor says, "did you see my receptionist when you checked in, the blonde with the big tits?"

Patient said, "Yeah,,,,"

Doctor said, "Well, I'm fuckin' her(:"

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Aug 15, 2013 1:49 am 
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Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Aug 15, 2013 1:54 am 
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BBP wrote:
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.


:mrgreen:

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Aug 15, 2013 11:13 pm 
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Pope Jim emailed this to me.

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I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful
than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I
have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby;
and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Aug 16, 2013 10:35 pm 
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This is another email from Pope Jim.

Cell phones in public

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the girl sitting next to him pulled out her mobile phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi, sweetheart, it's Erica. I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's the 6:30 and not the 4:30, but I had a long meeting."
"No, honey, not with that bloke from the accounts office, it was with the boss."
"No, sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. "
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart."
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.
When the young man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Erica, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Erica doesn't use her mobile phone in public any longer.

I like this guy!

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Aug 17, 2013 6:26 am 
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Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense?

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Aug 17, 2013 6:46 am 
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BBP wrote:
Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense?


I know how.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Aug 17, 2013 11:09 am 
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Trip wrote:
Pope Jim emailed this to me.

Image
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful
than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I
have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby;
and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer.


Great one! :D
Is that Pope Jim?

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Aug 17, 2013 10:49 pm 
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Caputh wrote:
Great one! :D Is that Pope Jim?


Nope,this is.
Image

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Aug 17, 2013 10:59 pm 
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Oh! She's quite attractive! :wink:

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Aug 18, 2013 3:15 am 
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Location: Wellington New Zealand
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Aug 18, 2013 5:09 am 
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Trip wrote:
Caputh wrote:
Great one! :D Is that Pope Jim?


Nope,this is.
Image


Lucky! The band members immediately left the stage when I saw ZPZ and Dweezil was alone signing autographs. But he did sign my program, so I guess it has a happy ending.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Aug 18, 2013 1:10 pm 
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Location: Orange County Ca.
DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT THE GUY WITH 5 DICKS?

HIS PANTS FIT LIKE A GLOVE!


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Aug 19, 2013 5:40 pm 
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Atheist Jokes

Q. What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an atheist?
A. Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two.
One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won’t claim that god did it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a zoo keeper found one of the orangutans reading two books. One book was Darwin’s Origin of the Species and the other was a Bible.
Surprised, he asked the orangutan "why are you reading both those books"
The orangutan glanced up from the two books. "I’m trying to decide if I am my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Atheist headstone inscription:

All Dressed Up And Nowhere To Go
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Atheist: “Waiter, what’s this fly doing in my soup?”
Waiter: “Praying.”
Atheist: “Very funny. I can’t eat this. Take it back.”
Waiter: “You see? The fly’s prayers were answered.”

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Aug 19, 2013 10:37 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Aug 23, 2013 11:11 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Aug 24, 2013 10:59 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Aug 28, 2013 7:56 am 
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An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason."

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons'?"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the *SPAM*. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Aug 29, 2013 11:36 am 
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Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jackie Chan and Jean Claude Van Damme decided to team up with Stephen Spielberg

to make the greatest action movie ever made about a crack team of time-traveling classical composers who

fight crime. When it came time to cast the rolls, Spielberg decided to allow the actors to decide which

composer to portray.

He sat them down at a table and told them to choose. Jackie Chan responded first by saying "I would like to

be Beethoven, as his wide range of compositions would lend itself well to my wide range of martial arts moves."

Jean Claude Van Damme then said "I think I would like to be Tchachovsky, as his graceful compositions in

ballet mirror my own training.

Finally, after some moment of silence, Spielberg, Van Damme and Chan looked over at Arnold, expectantly.

Spielberg finally broke the silence by saying, impatiently: "Well?"

Arnold looked up, apparently deep in thought, and said:

"I'll be Bach."

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Sep 02, 2013 12:08 pm 
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"Am I really pregnant, doctor?" asks the 14-year old Petra to her GP. "Oh, if only I'd gone to the pictures with my parents that night."
"Why didn't you?"
"I wasn't allowed to go. The film was rated M."

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Sep 02, 2013 12:59 pm 
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BBP wrote:
"Am I really pregnant, doctor?" asks the 14-year old Petra to her GP. "Oh, if only I'd gone to the pictures with my parents that night."
"Why didn't you?"
"I wasn't allowed to go. The film was rated M."

:lol: Good example of the ironic, moronic labeling, censorship sensitive system "they" all use as a moral compass and guide to raise the kids by nowadaze. :roll:
If she had only read the SF Chronicle horoscope that morning, this bad joke wouldn't be happening and she still would have gotten laid! Woo-Hoo! :twisted: :roll:

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