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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Sep 04, 2013 7:00 am 
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Man: Would you have sex with me for $1,000,000?

Woman: Sure I would.

Man: Ok, how about $10?

Woman: Of course not! Do you think I'm a whore?

Man: We've already established that, now we're just negotiating.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Sep 04, 2013 8:40 am 
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A man sits by the side of the road with his bicycle on his lap. One of his friends comes across him.
"Hey man, you got a lump in your tire."
"Yep. My bike is pregnant and I'm waiting for the little bike to be born."
"Cool. But you should sit by the riverside with your bicycle, then the baby comes out faster."
They walk to the riverside together. As they're sitting there, another friend meets them.
"Hi guys, what are you doing here?"
"His bicycle is pregnant and we're waiting for the baby bike to be born."
The other guy begins to laugh.
"That's impossible of course."
"Oh yeah?"
"Sure. That's a men's bike."

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Sep 06, 2013 1:27 am 
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Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank. But teach him to bank and he can rob the world!

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Sep 06, 2013 12:01 pm 
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BBP wrote:
Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank. But teach him to bank and he can rob the world!

That's pretty darn good. Did you make that up yourself BP? :)

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Sep 06, 2013 12:07 pm 
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Nah: visit www.allowe.com and subscribe to his CyberJoke 3000 for ten jokes a week.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Sep 06, 2013 1:58 pm 
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BBP wrote:
Nah: visit http://www.allowe.com and subscribe to his CyberJoke 3000 for ten jokes a week.

Ah, old Leisure Suit Larry and stuff. Cool, thanks BP. :D

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Sep 07, 2013 10:48 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Sep 07, 2013 10:49 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Sep 10, 2013 1:20 am 
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I went to a theatrical performance about puns last night. It was a play on words.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Sep 11, 2013 2:33 pm 
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Lloyd was a farmer who had coveted an expensive set of boots for years. He had a particularly good year last year and finally was able to afford them. He wore them everywhere. One night due to rains he left them outside on the welcome mat because they were very muddy. When he woke up the next day he went outside and his precious boots were shredded to pieces. Tracks to and from the boots indicated that a mountain lion had come up on the porch and was the one who bit them to pieces. He alerted his neighbors that there was a lion in the area and they needed to be careful. 2 days later a friend and fellow farmer came to Lloyd's house, called him out and dragged a mountain lion carcass out of the bed of his truck and laid it on the ground. He said...


Pardon me Lloyd, is this the cat who chewed your new shoes?

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Sep 11, 2013 3:34 pm 
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calvin2hikers wrote:
Lloyd was a farmer who had coveted an expensive set of boots for years. He had a particularly good year last year and finally was able to afford them. He wore them everywhere. One night due to rains he left them outside on the welcome mat because they were very muddy. When he woke up the next day he went outside and his precious boots were shredded to pieces. Tracks to and from the boots indicated that a mountain lion had come up on the porch and was the one who bit them to pieces. He alerted his neighbors that there was a lion in the area and they needed to be careful. 2 days later a friend and fellow farmer came to Lloyd's house, called him out and dragged a mountain lion carcass out of the bed of his truck and laid it on the ground. He said...


Pardon me Lloyd, is this the cat who chewed your new shoes?

It works better, imho, if you use Roy Rodgers and Dale Evens, so when Dale see's the puss 'n boots she sing/sez "Pardin' me Roy is that the cat who chewed your new shoes?" Roy fits better than Lloyd imho, when you sort of sing the ending to the tune of Chattanooga Choo-Choo.
I thought I posted this old joke years ago on here. It's one of those groan at the end jokes, but laughingly so. Groan & bare it. :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Sep 11, 2013 5:03 pm 
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KAPT.KIIRK wrote:
It works better, imho, if you use Roy Rodgers and Dale Evens, so when Dale see's the puss 'n boots she sing/sez "Pardin' me Roy is that the cat who chewed your new shoes?" Roy fits better than Lloyd imho, when you sort of sing the ending to the tune of Chattanooga Choo-Choo.
I thought I posted this old joke years ago on here. It's one of those groan at the end jokes, but laughingly so. Groan & bare it. :lol:


That's the way I heard it first also. I just wanted to change it up a little.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Sep 11, 2013 5:19 pm 
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Location: Kitchener, Ontario, CANADA
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the
plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black
Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the
dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs
Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the Policeman said,
'Watch this.' He told Sniffer to 'search'.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very
purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.
The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said,
'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her
seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds,
returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The Policeman said, 'That man is carrying cocaine,
so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down
for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent,
jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour.
He couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that,
so he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on ?'

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Sep 21, 2013 2:34 am 
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I read a book about anti-gravity. I couldn't put it down!

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Oct 23, 2013 9:51 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Oct 24, 2013 6:46 pm 
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My moms been clinging so close to me lately, she's in my drivers license picture.

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Last edited by KAPT.KIIRK on Sat Oct 26, 2013 10:59 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Oct 24, 2013 8:09 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Oct 26, 2013 10:45 am 
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=19jaOSNibkU
Very realistic scenario... :mrgreen:

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Oct 29, 2013 9:05 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Oct 30, 2013 3:21 am 
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That just put that sexist book I translated into perspective.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Oct 30, 2013 4:54 pm 
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A man notices that his parrot is not eating and is very lethargic. He takes him in to the vet to get him checked out. The vet examines him and says "I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do." The man says "Are you sure" The doctor whistles and out comes a black retriever who sniffs the parrot all over then shakes his head. The doctor whistles again and out comes a cat who smells the parrot for a minute, then shakes its head. The vet says "They've confirmed it, so there's nothing I can do." The man thanks the vet then asks how much he owes. The doctor says 500 dollars. The man replies "Holy cow, why so much?" The vet answers "Well, if you had trusted my diagnosis, it would have been 20 dollars. But since you needed the Lab report and the Cat scan...."

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Oct 30, 2013 6:49 pm 
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Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.

Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a Doctor; come in and I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master! ... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Oct 31, 2013 12:23 am 
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THE STORK

The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.

Little Gemma at the back of the class puts her hand up and asks the teacher, "Are you sure about the stork, miss?
I think you're getting the birds mixed up, 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag at the beach..!!!"


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Nov 04, 2013 12:01 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Nov 04, 2013 7:36 pm 
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There was a knock on the door this past Saturday morning. I opened it to
find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said: "Hello sir, I'm a
Jehovah's Witness.

So I said, "Come in and sit down."

I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked, "What do you want to talk
about?"

He said, "Beats the shit out of me. Nobody ever let me in before."

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