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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Nov 04, 2013 8:44 pm 
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just plain doug wrote:
There was a knock on the door this past Saturday morning. I opened it to
find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said: "Hello sir, I'm a
Jehovah's Witness.

So I said, "Come in and sit down."

I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked, "What do you want to talk
about?"

He said, "Beats the shit out of me. Nobody ever let me in before."

Bwahahahaha!!! :mrgreen: If only that were true! :wink:

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Nov 05, 2013 11:55 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Nov 05, 2013 12:04 pm 
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Knock Knock...

Who's there?

The Interrupting Doctor

The Interru...

YOU'VE GOT CANCER.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Nov 06, 2013 4:54 am 
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An NSA agent walked into a bar. The bartender said, "I've got a joke for you." The NSA agent said, "Already heard it!"

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Nov 06, 2013 7:55 am 
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Location: Birthplace of Grand Funk Railroad & Mr Don Preston
Fun with classic paintings

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-7IV2qryiQ&feature=youtu.be :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Nov 06, 2013 11:01 am 
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Milton Bradley wrote:

Hilarious stuff Milty! :D

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Nov 14, 2013 4:16 pm 
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My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning. Can you believe that… 2:30am!

Luckily for him I was still up practicing my bagpipes.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Nov 22, 2013 2:34 am 
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Why is it so difficult to explain a pun to a kleptomaniac? They always take things ...literally!

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Nov 29, 2013 2:50 am 
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A guy told his doctor, "I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gave him a prescription for a mild laxative and said, "If this doesn't work, let me know." A week later, the guy was back. "Doc, I still haven't had a movement." "I'll give you something stronger." A week later, the poor guy is back again. "Doc, still nothing!" "Hmm. I'd better get more information about you to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?" "I'm a professional musician." The doctor reached in his pocket. "Well, that's it. Here's fifty bucks. Go get something to eat!"

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Nov 29, 2013 4:23 am 
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Location: south midlands, UK
An Essex girl goes into a 'private' shop and asks to buy a vibrator.
The assistant says "take your pick from those on the wall".
The girls says "I'll have the red one".
The assistant says "that's a fire extinguisher".
TT

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Dec 06, 2013 8:27 pm 
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Location: Kitchener, Ontario, CANADA
. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.


. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.


. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.


. The batteries were given out free of charge.

. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.


. A will is a dead giveaway.


. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.


. A boiled egg is hard to beat.


. When you've seen one shopping Center you've seen a mall.


. Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.


. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.


. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.


. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.


. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.


. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.


. Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Dec 08, 2013 4:12 am 
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bad jokes are good jokes.

What is Al Qaeda's favorite sports team?

The New York Jets


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Dec 15, 2013 3:56 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Dec 20, 2013 3:35 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Dec 21, 2013 9:37 am 
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Location: Orange County Ca.
How does Moses make coffee?

Hebrews it.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Dec 21, 2013 7:25 pm 
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I don't think its a bad joke, but it might get some traction here. 2 teenage girls with their tribute to Roy Estrada.


http://youtu.be/ZbMpagpPVvU

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Dec 21, 2013 7:41 pm 
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diplomaticpermissiondeepi wrote:
I don't think its a bad joke, but it might get some traction here. 2 teenage girls with their tribute to Roy Estrada.


http://youtu.be/ZbMpagpPVvU

That's pretty funny diplo and not to bad harmonies either. :wink:

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Dec 22, 2013 6:00 am 
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I'm pleased you agree Kapapatain. The girls know the subtext of everyones tragedy and with that ironic twist which is theirs alone they have produced this great performance.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Jan 03, 2014 6:03 pm 
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A student asked his English professor, “What is the definition of a dilemma?”

The professor said, “Well, there is nothing better than an example to illustrate that. "Imagine that you are lying

in a big bed with a beautiful naked young woman on one side and a gay man on the other.”.

"Who are you going to turn your back on?”

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Jan 05, 2014 11:56 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Jan 06, 2014 5:45 am 
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Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?' She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Jan 09, 2014 6:51 pm 
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Just got off the phone with a cousin who lives in Scotland .

She said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.

The temperature is dropping far below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.

Her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.

She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let the drunken bastard in.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Feb 04, 2014 9:59 am 
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Why did the chicken cross the road? Some celebrated answers.

STEPHEN HARPER: Let me be perfectly clear. I did not know about the chicken, I did not know about the road. If I would have been made aware of them I would certainly have taken appropriate action and prevented the chicken from crossing the road. The culprits responsible for the chicken crossing the road are being investigated by the RCMP.

THOMAS MULCAIR: If the Prime Minister didn’t know about the chicken and he didn’t know about the road, how did he know that the chicken had any intention of crossing the road?

JUSTIN TRUDEAU: The chicken crossed the road because the other side had legalized marijuana.

ROB FORD: That video of me snorting that chicken does not exist and I’ve only crossed that road in a drunken stupor.

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be clear, the chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change! Real change! Change he could believe in!

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was Secretary of State, I travelled that road thousands of times and I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road each time. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure, right from Day One, that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, That chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the Liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2013, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2013. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Feb 05, 2014 9:54 pm 
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just plain doug wrote:
Why did the chicken cross the road? Some celebrated answers.

STEPHEN HARPER: Let me be perfectly clear. I did not know about the chicken, I did not know about the road. If I would have been made aware of them I would certainly have taken appropriate action and prevented the chicken from crossing the road. The culprits responsible for the chicken crossing the road are being investigated by the RCMP.

THOMAS MULCAIR: If the Prime Minister didn’t know about the chicken and he didn’t know about the road, how did he know that the chicken had any intention of crossing the road?

JUSTIN TRUDEAU: The chicken crossed the road because the other side had legalized marijuana.

ROB FORD: That video of me snorting that chicken does not exist and I’ve only crossed that road in a drunken stupor.

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be clear, the chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change! Real change! Change he could believe in!

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was Secretary of State, I travelled that road thousands of times and I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road each time. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure, right from Day One, that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, That chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the Liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2013, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2013. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?


Alice Cooper: What, crossed the road! alright bring me the snake.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Feb 06, 2014 6:57 am 
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An E-flat, G-flat and B-flat walk into the bar.
Says the bartender: "I'm sorry, we don't serve minors."

http://www.mandatory.com/2013/08/07/24-terribly-awesome-puns/20

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