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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Mar 07, 2014 5:37 pm 
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An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.


Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man
just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks .. . . like I said . . . my boy's a typical County Clare baby boy."

Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you?


Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks ...so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."


The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened?" He was 25 pounds the day he was born."

The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Mar 08, 2014 12:04 am 
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Location: Home of The Mondavi Center.
^ :mrgreen: I only lost 3 pounds, but I'm from County Cork, go figure. :wink:

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Mar 12, 2014 4:10 am 
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A blizzard stuck the small town on Saturday night. Sunday morning found the church empty except for one old farmer. The preacher asked, "Do you want me to preach anyway?" The farmer said, "Well, if I went to feed my cattle and only one steer showed up, I'd still feed him." So the minister gave him his best. But when the preacher began his third hour, the farmer raised his hand. "Reverend, if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I wouldn't feed him all my hay!"

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Mar 12, 2014 8:32 am 
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Q: What's the difference between a plumber and a chemist?
A: Ask them to pronounce unionized.


A computer programmer's wife asks him to go to the store for a loaf of bread. She also says, "If they have eggs, get a dozen." He comes back with 12 loaves of bread.


A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. His wife asks, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician replies: "Yes."


A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in an experiment. They were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked women on a bed. The experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician said, "This is pointless" and stormed off. The engineer agreed to go on with the experiment anyway. The mathematician exclaimed on the way out, "Don't you see, you'll never actually reach her!" The engineer replied, "So what? Soon I'll be close enough for all practical purposes!"


There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Mar 12, 2014 10:40 am 
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A woman is lying in bed when her husband enters the room carrying a sheep under his arm.
Man: This is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache.

Woman: That's a sheep, you idiot.

Man: I wasn't talking to you.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Mar 13, 2014 12:18 am 
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BBP wrote:
A woman is lying in bed when her husband enters the room carrying a sheep under his arm.
Man: This is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache.

Woman: That's a sheep, you idiot.

Man: I wasn't talking to you.


Ouch!


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Mar 18, 2014 9:51 am 
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Location: EINDHOVEN
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Mar 18, 2014 9:57 am 
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Location: south midlands, UK
A bloke stands before st peter at the pearly gates...
"you can not enter unless you can tell me something good you have done" he tells the man.
"ok, once I saw a gang of youths harassing an old lady, so I said 'I think you better stop, or else I'll kick your arses'".
"very good" says st peter, "when was this?"
"about two minutes ago".

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Mar 24, 2014 11:21 am 
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New South African Toilet Lock

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Mar 24, 2014 11:31 am 
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just plain doug wrote:
New South African Toilet Lock

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Must be mounted on the lower half of the door


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Apr 03, 2014 2:55 am 
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Schrodinger's cat walked into a bar. And doesn't.

Pavlov is sitting in a bar. The phone rings.
"Dammit," says Pavlov, "I forgot to feed the dog!"

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Apr 09, 2014 4:34 pm 
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Yo i thought Dm be cracking a few jokes around :wink:

Why go too turkey for Crismas it's alot warmer
and Greece are full of Greece bastards :mrgreen:

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Apr 11, 2014 6:24 pm 
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Location: Providence, Rhode Island
What is a pirate's favorite letter ?

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Apr 14, 2014 2:05 pm 
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To honour Bob en George, of which I just found 4 out of all 6 episodes are on YouTube (and a fifth is on a VHS at my place), here's one small section of their absurd comedy:
(performed while dancing)
G: You know Bob, there are homophiles, there are necrophiles, there are heterophiles... do you think that there might e such a thing as a dinosaurophile? A person who would only sleep with a dinosaur?
B: If such a person would exist today, he would have to satisfy himself with an inflatable specimen. Provided he's capable of doing anything after inflating it.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Apr 17, 2014 11:08 pm 
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Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, “Will you marry me?” The Princess said, “No!!!” And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and dated skinny long-legged full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whisky and beer and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and dated cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate buns and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was friggin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The end


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Apr 18, 2014 7:17 am 
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A man goes to the doctor and says, 'Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.'
The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.
The man asks, 'Is it serious, doctor?'
The doctor replies, 'I'm sorry to tell you but this is just the tip of the iceberg.'

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Apr 19, 2014 12:09 am 
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Two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice wine.

Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That’s when I did something that I’ve never done before – I took a taxi home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police roadblock but since it was a taxi they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise, as I had never driven a cab before, I don’t know where I got it and now that it’s in my garage I don’t know what to do with it


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Apr 25, 2014 1:20 am 
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Three logicians walked into a bar. The bartender asked, "Do all of you want a drink?" The first logician said, "I don't know." The second logician said, "I don't know." The third logician said, "Yes!"



A forgetful old gasman named Dieter
Who went poking around his gas heater
Touched a leak with his light;
He blew out of sight—
And, as everyone who knows anything about poetry can tell you, he also ruined the meter.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Apr 25, 2014 1:55 am 
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THE ANSWERS TO FIVE QUESTIONS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?

A: It’s the same as a French kiss, but ‘down under.’

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?

A: Melt them down, make a tyre, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?

A: Because when they come, they’re wild and wet, and when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?

A: Because they don’t have any balls to scratch…

BONUS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: What is a man’s Ultimate embarrassment?

A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

Nominated as the world’s best short joke….

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. ‘Mom’, he asked, ‘Are these my brains?’

‘Not yet,’ she replied.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Apr 25, 2014 7:34 am 
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Gray_Ghost wrote:
A: Melt them down, make a tyre, and call it a Goodyear.

I love old English uses like tyre, whilst and shoppe.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Apr 25, 2014 7:44 am 
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tiboudre wrote:
Gray_Ghost wrote:
A: Melt them down, make a tyre, and call it a Goodyear.

I love old English uses like tyre, whilst and shoppe.

A goal by any other name...

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Apr 25, 2014 1:04 pm 
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Brethren before wenches.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Apr 25, 2014 1:07 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Apr 25, 2014 2:25 pm 
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BBP wrote:
Three logicians walked into a bar. The bartender asked, "Do all of you want a drink?" The first logician said, "I don't know." The second logician said, "I don't know." The third logician said, "Yes!"

Very good - allow me to explain it further...
If either of the first two didn't want a drink, they would have said no straight off.
The third realises this and so knows they all want a drink.
TT

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Apr 25, 2014 4:39 pm 
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Location: Billy, the mountain...
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